Anxiety Relief from Scott Adams

Scott Adams – he of Dilbert comic strip fame – has this wonderful video on achieving relief from anxiety. I don’t normally link to YouTube here in my Blog, but this seemed worth it. In this time of war in the Ukraine and a lack of solid, spine-tingling leadership in the United States, I have no doubt but what anxiety is on the rise. And here we thought that returning to normal was something to look forward to.

This screenshot captures Scott’s talking points:

  1. Most Things Don’t Matter – more true words have never been spoken. As my grandmother used to say, “It won’t matter in 100 years.” In fact, if you want to find proof of this, go to your local library and read through newspapers from precisely 100 years ago. I guarantee that you will be amazed at what troubled the world then, compared to today.
  2. Mental Shelf Space – Get Busy … with this, Scott is saying that you cannot ever unthink negative thoughts. Like a bell that’s been rung, there is no un-ringing of those pesky negatives. But you CAN crowd them out with other thoughts. They say that if you find yourself mentally handwringing life in the middle of the night and cannot fall back asleep, then after 20 minutes get up and do something. In my day, it was to get up and wax the kitchen floor. You will find yourself sleepy in about 10 minutes and have the cleanest floors in the world.
  3. Vampire, not Hobby (social media) – See? I’m not the only one suggesting that you quit Facebook (and all the other social media sites). They can be seen as time-sucks, but Scott is saying that they are also vampire-like, blood-sucking wastes of time. I could not agree more.
  4. Control the Controllable – it always works, he says, and I agree. Russia and Ukraine? You cannot control that. Inflation? Sorry. No control. Gas prices? Aside from voting out the idiots come November, you cannot control those either. But! You can control how you spend your time. You can control when and where you exercise or what you eat, etc. It’s a corollary to No. 2 – you are in control of mental shelf space.
  5. Stress = Energy = Exercise – Those stimuli that engender stress are nothing but little energy molecules banging around in your body and your psyche. “Drop and give me fifty,” will immediately cathect that energy. The sweat pouring out of your pores are those little stress molecules. Do it.
  6. Criticism = Chemical Reaction in a Stranger’s Skull – This one is, to me, all about, “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Resilience. You have it. That criticism someone heaped on you? It’s only words.
  7. Learn to Like Embarrassment: Practice – This is akin to what I used to tell my staffs around the world: Go Forth and Fail. Get used to failing. Get used to embarrassment. In time, its sting will mean nothing to you. And you will have learned one helluva lot.
  8. A-B Test – Continuously: I am not entirely sure what he means by this one, except that it reminds me of the idea that “everything that is, could be otherwise.” In other words, everything can be flipped. Everything. If you think it’s A, then look for the flip side (B). What does it mean to you?
  9. Ego is the Enemy (Kill it) – yes! This is how I teach the idea of Ego in my classrooms; that it is the place where all the answers we think we have, reside. See Nos. 1 and 3 above and then ask yourself, “do I have all the answers? Have I ever?” Mr. Adams also suggests getting good at something … anything. It will help to fill your ego with answers that are real.

So, he continues onto the idea of building systems for stress relief.

Listen here to what he has to say about systems and most importantly to the idea that it’s a full-time job. Forget about never having stress and anxiety in your life. It’s chaos out there, sweetheart, and the best you can do is to minimize it and, perhaps, to have fun while doing it.

One aspect of his full-time-job approach that worked for me was getting my Doctorate. On the day that that sort of “skill acquisition” was complete and I walked away with the parchment, I can honestly say that 90% of my anxiety went away. In a manner of speaking, I became immune. GET A SKILL!

I hope this helps, and as Dr. Christian Conte is want to say, “I wish you peace.”

Posted in Anxiety, Counseling Concepts, Depression, Positive Mental Attitude | Comments Off on Anxiety Relief from Scott Adams

Pornography: It’s More Dangerous than You Think (Part 2)

 

In part two of this two-part look at the dangers of pornography, I wanted to gather some thoughts about sexuality in general, about control and shame, and about how we as humans can get so very damn good at lying to ourselves.

Much of what you are about to read comes from various talks given by Drs. John Bradshaw and Jordan Peterson, and what they had to say about shame and addiction in general.

Let’s begin …


With regard to porn, it’s a good question to ask yourself, “who’s really in control?”

Well, yeah, that’s the question, isn’t it? If you’re masturbating to pornography, and the consequence of that is an immediate influx of guilt, then you do indeed have to ask yourself, “who’s in control?”

It’s an important question. It can be terrifying, certainly to the extent it’s about developing some psychoanalytic acumen. Why? Because once you realize that you’re in a house (your mind) where many spirits reside, and that many of them aren’t you, and that many of them aren’t working towards the purposes you might want yourself to be working toward, then you are one step on the road out.

Such “spirits” are perhaps at the root of any number of mythical examinations of the human psyche. Take for example the very fundamental human myth of Cain versus Abel from the Old Testament. It also appears in the Quran (5:27-31).  Here’s a recap:

Abel became a herder of sheep while Cain was a tiller of the soil. And it happened in the course of time that Cain brought from the fruit of the soil an offering to the Lord. And Abel too had brought from the choice firstlings of his flock, and the Lord regarded Abel and his offering but did not regard Cain and his offering. Cain was very incensed, and his face fell.

Whereupon, Cain said to Abel his brother, “Let us go out to the field,” and when they were in the field Cain rose against Abel his brother and killed him. And the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother? And he said, “I do not know: am I my brother’s keeper?”

God said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the soil. And so, cursed shall you be by the soil that gaped with its mouth to take your brother’s blood from your hand. If you till the soil, it will no longer give you strength. A restless wanderer shall you be on the earth.” And Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is too great to bear. Now that You have driven me this day from the soil I must hide from Your presence, I shall be a restless wanderer on the earth and whoever finds me will kill me.” And the Lord said to him, “Therefore whoever kills Cain shall suffer sevenfold vengeance.” And the Lord set a mark upon Cain so that whoever found him would not slay him.

I am no biblical scholar, but it seems to me that what we are led to believe is that the Devil got ahold of Cain by means of Cain’s jealousy, one of those pesky sins we are told to avoid. In the case of Cain, murder ensued. In today’s world, I believe that jealousy and resentment, coveting and lust, have gotten the best of us and actually murdered civil discourse and healthy living.

Which Are You? Cain or Abel?

So, we may ask ourselves at any given time, “has jealousy and resentment, coveting and lust, gotten the best of me?”

Alright, then, who are you? Are you Cain or are you Abel?

The answer is that you’re both.

We all suffer from jealousy from time to time and want what someone else has. We may see how a parent favored our sister rather than ourselves; or, perhaps, how God seems to have shone the light on someone else (another reason to quit Facebook). Perhaps at that moment you are left to wonder, “Who have I become?” There’s an element of embarrassment in that question, isn’t there?

And then the question becomes, “well, who’s got the upper hand?”

Followed by, “Who do you want to have the upper hand?”

Is it God and Abel or is it Satan and Cain?

And that question is just as germane to believers as it is to non-believers. Isn’t that remarkable and appalling and overwhelming and terrifying all at the same time?

So, if your behavior is embarrassing you, well, there’s only two possibilities:

  1. That you shouldn’t be so embarrassed. We may suppose that that’s the voice that says yes to all your proclivities, to any and all manner of sexual expression. You might then rationalize, somehow, that your guilt and shame are merely the detrimental hangovers of an oppressive rules-based society that is judgmental in its attitudes towards sexuality.

I don’t think that argument goes anywhere. You can only rationalize so much before you realize that it’s a weak argument, or that you’re lying to yourself.

That leaves us with Number 2:

  1. That you to consult your own conscience; that you sit back and wonder for those feelings of guilt and shame and where they may come from. Without question, you will pause and wonder for how the conscience has become the oppressive force on its own – an indwelling of some great tyrant.

Freud made much of that, what he called a “too oppressive superego.” He conceived of the superego as the angel on your shoulder, so to speak. And I’ve certainly seen clients whose expression of healthy sexuality was inhibited by a too-rigid superego, which can certainly happen to anyone. But that does not mean that all guilt about all forms of sexual expression constitute a superego run amok.

Speaking of “Run Amok”

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that there was some relationship between the sexual revolution of the 1960s, and the hygienic revolution of the previous six decades; “hygienic” insofar as it enabled us to reduce the impact, at least in the West, of infectious diseases.

It followed that because we were much less prone to the transmission and receipt of infectious diseases, and of course with the birth control pill, much less prone to pregnancy, we could afford to be more liberal by the 1960s.

Ok, so we got more sexually liberal, and what happened?

AIDS … that’s what happened. And we can say that without prejudice.

We can also say that the most effective means of facilitating the reproduction of a deadly virulent agent and its propagation through the population is … unrestrained sexual behavior.

Freud made much of that as well. It was the Id – what he conceived of as the location of the so-called pleasure principle – run amok. We might see it as the “Devil on the Other Shoulder,” who suggests that “if it feels good, do it.”

You know, sexual shame is there for a reason, and it’s not a trivial reason. It isn’t going to go away just because we may wave the magic wand and make the proverbial rules-based societal tyrant vanish. The Id and the Superego require balance.

It is the Shame? Or is it the Behavior?

Alright, so if you’re ashamed about your sexual behavior, then you have to ask yourself, “is the shame wrong or is the sexual behavior wrong?”

And this isn’t about judgment of right versus wrong. Because, after all, what the hell do I know about you? I have enough trouble with my own behavior. So, this is on you.

Is your shame what you should be dispensing with, or is it the behavior?

And it might just be a little of column A and a little of column B because life is never so simple as presenting only one choice.

If you don’t feel ennobled by your behavior, by your porn-related masturbation, then perhaps that means it’s of questionable utility. It certainly isn’t a stabilizing social force. It isn’t something people do in public and brag about (unless you’re Jeffrey Toobin on CNN).

On the other hand, it may be that you are sitting in a prison cell with perhaps only one hour outside every day and no access to any sort of human interaction. Well, to that I might say, “shame be damned. You need a release now and then.”

I doubt I have any prisoners reading this Blog, with most of my readers capable (at least in theory) of engaging intimately with another human being.

Remember to Never to Lie to Oneself

The thing is this: People shouldn’t lie, especially to themselves. And repeatedly engaging in a behavior that you yourself judge to be morally reprehensible is a form of “performative contradiction,” which is defined as the acting out of a lie. I suspect you know that, or you wouldn’t be asking the question.

So, then, what should you do with pornography? Well, you know the answer to that too and so does everybody else. Everyone knows it’s not “good.” It’s not good for those who produce it, it’s not good for those who participate wittingly, or unwittingly, and there’s plenty of them, it its production, and it’s not good for its consumers … certainly not the highest good.

And what’s the highest good? For this topic, it’s sexual expression incorporated within a functional, intimate relationship bound by vows of monogamy. And we all know that, too (or at least, sense it). It stabilizes our families, it stabilizes our societies, it stabilizes our psyches.

So, anything you do that isn’t in service of that goal is likely to be counterproductive. And I suspect it’s your own psyche, your own soul telling you that. If your sexual behavior isn’t an expression of your highest being, then it isn’t serving you in the deepest sense. You are serving it. That’s what your shame indicates.

So, get out there and find a partner and commit to her or him.

The less porn the better. That’s good advice, but let’s make that more specific. To the degree that use of porn and masturbation is undermining your sense of self and providing you with a dearth of motivational reasons to get out there and engage with a real partner, then it’s definitely not in your best interest, and THAT’S what your conscience is telling you.

To quote Dr. Peterson, “it’s the expedient at the expense of the meaningful.”

Right? There isn’t any more obvious manifestation of the expedient at the expense of the meaningful, than pornography and masturbation, and that’s hardly a heroic path.

So, maybe the less of it, the better.

I’m aware, by the way, of the statistic showing that the introduction of pornography into a community doesn’t raise but lowers rape probability. The problem with those studies, the ones that yielded those results, is their one-dimensionality. They did not (and likely could not) consider any number of other contributing factors. Remember: Correlation is NOT causation.

One thing to consider is the presence of “drives” within the human – the drive to eat, sleep, have sex, perform, etc. And for a harmonious existence to occur, those drives must be in balance, so to speak. But from time to time, whenever any given drive predominates to the exclusion of all else, we are “out of balance.”

Out of balance: Too-dominant a superego and you find yourself unattractively rule-bound. Too dominant an Id and you’ll find yourself excised from society or, worse, in jail.

Sexuality is best handled within the confines of a relationship. That’s the classical ethical solution to the problem, simply because sexuality brings with it a tremendous amount of responsibility. Of course, people don’t like to think that, especially people who I would say are low in conscientiousness and high in impulsivity. It’s easy for them to believe in, say, casual sex, which is not something that I think exists, because you cannot divorce sex from its sociological or political or economic or (most importantly), its psychological consequences.

To that end, therefore, we can say that there is no such thing as casual sex. And the reason for that is the consequences of sex are too dramatic. It’s just not pregnancy and disease, let’s say, which are both as dramatic as consequences can be in life, but also the fact that there’s no disentangling sexual behavior from emotional behavior. Or worse … if you try to disentangle your sexual behavior from your emotional behavior, then I think what happens is that you end up cold and cynical.

Take for example, the person who has a lot of one-night-stands and a lot of casual partners; notches in the headboard, so to speak.

First of all, there’s not much discrimination between one partner and the other and so in some sense, that person is in a loop repeating the same act over and over. There’s nothing “deep” about it. There isn’t anything about it that enables you to establish a relationship with another person. Could we not say that that corrupts your soul? That you hurt yourself across time? (One example would be the conflation of sex with love, which are two very different things).

And you would be hurting the other people, as well.

Fundamentally, casual sex could be said to be a demented adolescent fantasy. It just doesn’t work out in the real world (and somehow, deep down inside, those people know that; that having it “work out” in the real world would mean a corruption of society).

Healthy self-restraint with regard to sexuality is the same with everything else: There’s the necessity to forego immediate gratification for the purpose of medium- to long-term thriving.

Therefore, if your sexuality is integrated in an ethic that encompasses the rest of your life and if it serves that ethic, then I would say it is properly restrained.

Which is not to say that if it’s unhealthily repressed, you’re in a good place either. In fact, unhealthy repression will leave you angry and bitter and resentful and cursing the opposite sex, or perhaps the same sex.

Resentment and anger are good indications that there’s something wrong with the manner in which your sexuality is restrained.

Concluding Remarks

This was a long post, I know, but I hope it meant something to you. And I hope that with both parts of these posts on masturbation and pornography, I have conveyed some semblance of hierarchy. To wit,

  • there’s masturbation to pornography (really not good)
  • masturbation to an enhanced imagination (not good and only slightly better than the first)
  • casual sex with several partners (not good at all and even damaging)
  • casual sex with one partner, a so-called “friend with benefits” (an improvement on all the above, but unsustainable in the long run)
  • sex with an intimate, committed partner (better)
  • sex with a marital spouse (the best)
  • celibacy (a choice many people make and on which we cannot make a value judgment)

And do not forget that love and sex are not the same thing. If I have learned anything in my life and in my clinical practice, it is that the sex eventually runs out. There better be love to sustain the relationship beyond that.

Commit yourself to building the life you want. Start now.

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Trying to Quell Your “Monkey Mind”? Try These Books as a Starting Point

If I were to guess, I would say that 60% of what I do as a life coach involves talking about anxiety. My clients are quick to hear my lecture on anxiety and most of the time they don’t get up and walk out. Which is good, because one of the first jobs of a therapist or life coach is to “normalize” a condition.

Anyway, in a nutshell, the lecture goes like this:

ME: “Describe your anxiety.”

CLIENT: [Their response is obviously different for each of them, but we quickly get to the idea that at the root of all anxiety is fear.]

ME: “What are you most afraid of when in the depths of anxiety?”

CLIENT: [Again, the response differs by client, but merely expressing their deepest felt fear is somehow liberating.]

ME: “How often does this happen?”

CLIENT: “Oh, I don’t know, once or twice a day.”

ME: “That little?”

CLIENT: “Yes.” (With raised eyebrows)

ME: “Then please tell me, what are you doing right? I mean, you must be doing a lot right to stave off the vagaries of life such that you are anxious only once or twice a day! It’s chaos out there, baby, and I for one am impressed that you get anxious only once or twice a day! Good for you.”

I don’t exactly end the session there, but they get my point: Life is hell and being anxious is fundamental to the human condition. We must remain anxious to some degree in order to stay skeptical and therefore alive. It’s evolutionary. I get anxious when driving in city traffic, not because I fear my bad driving habits but because I fear the other guy’s. It’s a kind of “existential anxiety,” if you will, and is to be expected.

Nonetheless, a lot of anxiety is a killer. Over some long term, excess stress (what we might call duress) will weaken your immune system and open you up to all manner of infectious disease and ultimately the degradation of the body itself. Death follows.

They say exercise is the best medicine and that is often my first recommendation. But that only goes so far. The next recommendation then is to see a medical doctor or psychiatrist for a prescription of some sort. But they must stay in talk-therapy, I tell them, because drugs by themselves do not teach us better coping and mitigation tactics and strategies.

Another short-term solution can be reading about anxiety and perhaps working through evidence-based techniques for quelling the monkey mind that afflicts all of us. Self-help books that target anxiety management can be a very useful part of the treatment journey. That said, when looking for a good book on the topic of anxiety, please consider the writer’s credentials as well as the scientific evidence used to back up the information presented. Also, look for a book that focuses on specific issues and symptoms in order to provide more targeted advice

This quick post is about some of the books now on offer through Amazon, Barnes and Nobel, and other bookstores that seem to be rather popular and, in some cases, have even worked for me.

OVERVIEW

Despite the fact that anxiety is very treatable, only about 40% of people who struggle with anxiety receive help. As I say above, and while anxiety is a normal human emotion felt by all people at some point or another, anxiety disorders can make certain aspects of life unmanageable, such as social situations or test-taking at school.

The bottom line is that you aren’t alone, and the wide variety of books dedicated to this topic are proof of that. Take a look at each of these. Perhaps one of them will work for you!

  1. Be Calm: Proven Techniques to Stop Anxiety Now

Designed to be used more as a reference book rather than as a ‘sit down and read’ book, Be Calm is the result of techniques that author, and psychologist, Dr. Jill Weber has seen work for her patients after years of observation.  The book can help you find relief from heightened anxiety or panic attacks quickly by using the reference guide to find options for relief in the moment.

  1. Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind: How to Stop the Cycle of the Anxiety, Fear, and Worry

This is a much-needed option for people who feel like their brains never take a break from the vicious cycle of overthinking and constant worrying. Psychotherapist Jennifer Shannon teaches us to accept how our anxious brains operate, while not allowing the anxious thoughts to escalate and take over all pleasant parts of life.

  1. A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters

This book challenges the traditional views of anxiety by teaching that it is natural to hurt and that we hurt because we care. Learning to listen to the pain rather than avoiding it helps heal it instead of intensifying it. As a psychotherapist who had an epiphany during a panic attack of his own, author Dr. Steven Hayes (a professor of mine at The University of Nevada) uses acceptance and commitment therapy to help teach psychological flexibility skills to greatly decrease painful symptoms of anxiety and make room for the joyful things that matter most in life.

  1. Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook: The 4 DBT Skills to Overcome Anxiety by Learning How to Manage Your Emotions. A Practical Guide to Recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder

Workbooks are a great way to personalize new strategies and to find techniques that work for you. While it’s best to use workbooks in conjunction with therapy, Dr. David Lawson designed this workbook to address the anxiety caused by personality disorders and feelings of overwhelm when anxiety strikes.

  1. Negative Self-Talk and How to Change It

After publishing 20 books, Dr. Shad Helmstetter has condensed his years of experience into a 60-minute read. With simple language and effective techniques, this book is made for the busy person who just needs to know what works.

  1. Feeling Better: CBT Workbook for Teens: Essential Skills and Activities to Help You Manage Moods, Boost Self-Esteem, and Conquer Anxiety

Teenagers have unique types of stress due to the phase of life and stages of growth they are navigating. Pressures from school, peers, and future goals can create confusion, stress, and anxiety. Understanding and implementing positive stress management techniques can help teenagers avoid falling into self-destructive stress management patterns.

  1. Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls

In this book, clinical psychologist Lisa DaMour tackles the specific pressures, stress, and heightened feelings of anxieties that girls experience during growth and progression through child and teenage years. This book is a must for parents, teachers, coaches, and anyone who works with teenage girls. Know the warning signs of anxiety and ways to help.

  1. How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety

People who are shy or introverted often struggle with social anxiety. In this book, Dr. Hendriksen teaches readers that they already have everything they need to be successful in social situations, they just need to learn how to access it. Social anxiety can come from the inner critic speaking too loudly. This book shows you how to be yourself and feel good about it.

  1. Retrain Your Brain (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one of the most scientifically backed therapy approaches for anxiety management and relief. Clinical Psychologist Seth Gillihan shows readers how to recognize anxiety causing thoughts, stop them, and replace them with sound minded thoughts.

  1. Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief: A Revolutionary Approach to Understanding and Healing the Impact of Loss

Sometimes the source of our anxiety can come from a surprising source: grief.  Licensed therapist Claire Smith explores the often-overlooked link between grief and anxiety. When we understand how the two connect, we can begin to calm the anxiety through the right techniques.

SUMMARY

Be Calm: Proven Techniques to Stop Anxiety Now and Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind are two books that offer sound techniques for all anxiety types. These two books are a good place to start in the anxiety healing journey. Be Calm is more serious and will take longer to read, while Stop the Monkey Mind is more entertaining with humor and stories.

What to look for in books for anxiety?

  • Effective Techniques

While a lot of people have opinions about what works to decrease anxiety, it is always best to stick with authors who are trained in the medical and mental health fields and use techniques that are supported by scientific research.

  • Easy to Understand Language

A self-help book does not help at all if it is too boring to read all the way through. Look for language that you jive with personally and find easy to understand and implement. Books that combine humor and stories with techniques help us better remember the learned concepts.

  • Realistic Length

We’re all busy. It’s important to choose a book that fits your current schedule. A lengthy, in-depth book will not help if you are in a chaotic phase of life. A longer, more in-depth book may be helpful if you are carving out time specifically to address your anxiety and wellness.

I hope this helps!

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Paese dei balocchi – Pornography in the Land of Toys

Paese dei balocchi – Pornography in the Land of Toys

(Or Why Porn is More Dangerous Than You Think: Part One)

Paese dei balocchi is Italian for Land of Toys and is a good way to frame this rather long post about the dangers of pornography. I am writing this in advance of my annual talk to Cowboy Catholics, a group of college students at the University of Wyoming affiliated with our local parish.

This is Part One of a two-part examination of pornography in the context of living the good life.


Let’s begin then with an explanation of why the Land of Toys is an apt metaphor.

The Land of Toys is a fictional location in the Italian novel The Adventures of Pinocchio (1883) disguised as a haven of freedom and anarchy for boys and occasionally girls but is eventually discovered to be far more sinister. It was later to be depicted in a Disney movie (1940) of the same name (Pinocchio) while the Land of Toys is known as Pleasure Island.

The size and nature of the location is unclear: the Disney adaptation depicts it as a large amusement park on an island (no surprise there!), whereas the novel implies that it is at least as large as a township. To its unsuspecting visitors (like Pinocchio and Lampwick), the Land of Toys appears to be a fantastic haven for wayward boys and girls to do whatever they want with no consequences or law; to act as they please without recrimination.

However, the truer and more sinister purpose of the Land of Toys is eventually revealed: by means of a disease that affects people who never study, the boys and girls turn physically into donkeys (in Italian culture, the donkey is symbolic of ignorance, stupidity, goofiness, and labor). Subsequently, they get sold into slavery by the “Coachman.”

It’s a morality tale, folks, and we can thank Disney for bringing to American audiences. With reference to pornography, it could also be seen as a social critique insofar as truancy in 1883 and later, in 1940, was a problem. Abandoning school might seem like a good idea in the short term, but in reality, it secures for oneself a future with no other way to make a living than through hard, back-breaking labor for the benefit of someone else (the Coachman is today’s Jeff Bezos or Tim Cook, let’s say).

In the end, we come to realize that immediate gratification isn’t good for us; that what Pleasure Island promises isn’t pleasure at all, but a kind of imprisonment.

Alright, so this isn’t about truancy, but rather how the Land of Toys can be represented by the ubiquity of porn.

Stick with me (although you might want to pause to re-watch Pinocchio to get the references coming up).

Imagine the characters of Pinocchio and Lampwick today. Clearly, the novelty of porn would attract them like so much of what Pleasure Island had on offer. And porn’s novelty edge isn’t unlike so many addictive phenomena of our day.

In the immediate case, because novelty is a sexual kick, it has to stay novel. And that means that over time, it is going to become more extreme.

That’s not good.

So, how do you escape? How do you return yourself to the dull and drab world before Pleasure Island and feel good about it?

Answer: you stop, you escape, and hopefully you recover. You deprive yourself of that outlet.

You might say, well, “is that absolutely necessary? Like, hey, there’s nothing wrong with pornography. After all, it was only a fantasy tale of how Pinocchio became a donkey.”

To which I would say, well, I don’t know, man. Like, have you ever really met a guy who is proud of beating off to porn? You know what I mean? That is makes them feel like, “I’m the guy, man! I’m watching porn and getting off really, really good.”

What a man! (not)

I don’t believe anyone feels that.

Maybe I’m wrong, but somehow, I know it’s pretty cheap. It’s easy. And I say that knowing about research evidence demonstrating how, if you introduce pornography into a community, rates of sexual crimes committed by men upon women actually decline. Perhaps, therefore, there is some utility in the outlet.

But the research is what we call a unidimensional analysis; or said another way, it doesn’t consider all the other effects of porn, including moral incongruence, changes to the speed of which orgasm occurs, or the power of it, and how it affects how you approach or consider women. Those are real and dangerous. It makes sense that they’re real largely because of the super-satiation of porn watching.

This is a non-trivial technological problem. It’s now possible for young men (really, boys and men of any age) to look at more beautiful nude women in one day than any man in history has ever seen.

That’s not nothing.

That’s something.

And to think that that doesn’t do something to you, well, “no, that does something to you.” It must.

At base, it’s a substitution of the false for the real. And that isn’t good practice for anyone trying to make their way through a chaotic world. Yes, the occasional escapism offered by movies is nice, but to make it your modus operandi is, well, not a good way to be in the world.

The Utility of Deprivation

It comes down to this:

What do we need to drive us forward to have the adventure of our life?

Answer: Well, some deprivation, that’s for sure. It helps you to choose between the false and the real.

Deprivation (from something) heightens desire and drive and maybe, just maybe, you need that.

In my practice as a counselor and coach, when a client presents with, say, a fear of approaching a woman, I more often than not explore porn use. And from that I find that a part of their drive has been deadened by pornography consumption. At some primordial level (for some darn good reasons), men seek out a woman (or a man, doesn’t matter) to satisfy a drive. Yes, sexual, but more than that, an intimacy drive.

With porn so readily available, and really the only arrow in their quiver, these men don’t have that sexual and intimacy urge needed to overcome that fear.

They end up becoming timid, or so goes my argument.

Maybe not, but … maybe.

I explore that and more often than not, the argument resonates with my clients.

By referencing Pleasure Island, I further my argument by asserting that at base, it’s all about pleasure with no responsibility. I implore them to think of that as rather deadening, and how becoming a donkey cannot be anything but parasitical.

I don’t engage in value judgment, by the way. It’s no wonder that men are caught up in this – it’s an unbelievably powerful technology. It alone drove the development, the unfolding of the Internet itself. It taps into one viciously primordial motivation:

These men are being blasted by what biologists call super-stimuli all the time.

The Role of Super-Stimuli

Stop for a moment and consider that there’s a biological stimulus that has an effect on you and that you can then magnify it. Alcohol and other substances and their effects can be similarly magnified (drink more, smoke more, etc.).

Super-stimuli are those which are experienced repeatedly, and which come at us in any number of ways. In the case of pornography, consider how the typical porn actress (not the amateur) has their sexually provocative physical elements exaggerated for just that reason. Given that men are very visual in terms of their sexual processing, guys are pulled into it (by virtue of those super-stimuli).

Of course, they’re also pulled into it out of curiosity.

Ethically, it’s not good. It’s an “easy out,” and that’s the other thing about it all. What we should be doing is going out and finding someone to have a relationship with.

If you can gratify yourself with no transformation, then that’s equivalent of not growing at all. Indeed, when we stop growing, we start dying.

A Big Fat “Hint”

Growing is a function of sharing. Think of the Aspen tree and how it shares in roots in order to thrive. Indeed, there are any number of plants and trees that must be planted in pairs in order to grow. As humans – as social beings – our growth is hardly solitary. We are egged on by others in our world, hopefully in a positive way.

So, we seek out partners.

But my client might say, “I’m a failure at finding someone. I cannot seem to screw up the courage to ask someone out. And if I do, it falls apart after one date. “

With that, I invite my client to consider how that might be an indication that he/she should change.

In fact, it IS an indication that they should change, because what better indication are you going to get that no one wants to be intimate with you? It’s the ultimate rejection and one that every man fears. It’s a great-big-fat-hint that change is in order.

And going at it alone is not a very hopeful way of anticipating the future. [1]

Change is in order. But porn is getting in the way. It’s satisfying in the short-term, but it provides absolutely no training for the real world and contributes to a certain kind of dissonance (the opposite, if you will, of resonance).

Rewards-Pursuit

Why do people pursue rewards that don’t produce this resonance?

Simple: Because they don’t have a value hierarchy. In effect, they want it all now, right now, without regard to stepping up some ladder, some kind of hierarchy.

Back to Pleasure Island – it’s a good example. Those kids that were brought there were lost. They didn’t have anywhere to go. They didn’t have an identity. So, they defaulted to a kind of “local pleasure [2],” which was better than none at all. Although, the problem with local pleasure, as the narrative made clear, is that “you better look out if you’re impulsive,” because it’s going to kick back on your heart.

You will become a donkey, a slave.

Absent some sort of value hierarchy (which implies a greater good, something for now just beyond our reach), people like this are only considering the immediate timeframe. Or, said another way, and to the extent they imagine some sort of value hierarchy, they want it all, right now. And the problem with that is that things (errors) propagate across all the timeframes. So, just because something works really well this very second – cocaine, for example – doesn’t mean that it’s a tenable, sustainable solution to the class of all problems.

Often, people pursue local pleasure because that’s the best they can imagine. It’s the best they’ve been taught (or had modeled for them) and they don’t see any other alternative.

It could be ignorance. It could be that they don’t want to adopt the responsibility.

Part of the problem with working at every level of the hierarchy simultaneously is that it’s like dancing to a very complex waltz, let’s say. You have to be paying close attention to a very large number of things simultaneously and doing things right. It requires, well, in a word: Responsibility. It’s a pain in the neck. It’s a weight.

Part of the reason people drink alcohol is to get rid of their responsibility, right? I mean, you hear of people who drink “because they have problems.”

Well, like yeah, yeah … but … NO.

Some people drink because they’re anxious. Alcoholics drink because they’re in withdrawal. But young people? They drink because they’re sick and tired of being responsible, because it’s annoying. They think, “I’ll drink enough so that I won’t care about the medium- to long-term consequences.”

That of course is exactly what alcohol does: It doesn’t make you ignorant of the medium- to long-term consequences; it makes you not care about them. And partly it’s because it dampens anxiety while leaving your positive emotive circuits intact, so you can go out there and do stupid, fun things. That’s a party, really. Let’s go do stupid, fun things.

But it’s risky. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, but it’s risky.

They can be forgiven in a sense: They don’t know better.

What’s needed is a refresher course in value hierarchies and a reminder that rewards-pursuit is a step-at-a-time kind of living.

Advice?

Alright, so what advice would I give to someone looking to quit porn?

Well, for starters, it isn’t that you’re trying to quit porn. It’s not the right way to think about it.

The right way to think about is that you’re trying to figure out how to have a better life.

And, so, you have to figure out what that is.

One way is to sit down and write about your preferred life, while keeping your porn addiction in mind and thinking about answers to questions about what your life could be like in three to five years if you took care of yourself like you were someone you cared for.

Then, consider and write about how your habits today will impact relationships with your friends, and your family, and your career, and your time outside of work, and your health. In other words, the important dimensions of your life.

I’d ask you to spend 20 minutes writing about how good your life could be in three to five years if you got your act together and did what was good for you.

And then write about the hell you could be in if you didn’t.

You really need to do this because porn isn’t the issue.

The issue is that you’re not living your life the way you want to.

Put simply: You need a vision of life that’s more compelling than the porn and you need a counter-vision too that frightens you, because otherwise while porn is obviously extraordinarily gratifying in the short-term, you seem to be suffering from the medium- to long-term consequences of its use.

You need a story that you can tell yourself that is really deeply thought through about why porn is not appropriate for you, how it’s hurting you, and how it’s minimizing you, and perhaps making you embarrassed and ashamed and more socially isolated and all of that.

In the end, it is more about cleaning up your psyche and your behavior, rather than merely stopping porn.”

The Hell You Might Otherwise Find Yourself In

As mentioned above, contemplating a better future isn’t just about the rosy parts. It must also be about a negative vision; that is, writing down everything bad that you think porn is doing to you, because obviously you have some suspicions that this is not good for you; that it’s actually harming you in some important way.

You need to be fully cognizant of what those ways are, and then take them seriously and decide if that’s the pathway through life on which you wish to travel.

Then, above all, quit.

Pleasure Island is nice for about five minutes. Then, it’s a living hell.

Good luck to you. It’s a very good thing to identify one of your weaknesses and work on it. You can strengthen yourself substantially by doing that.

[Some of the foregoing was borrowed from several different sources, then made my own. Feel free to share. Porn is far more dangerous than you might think!]

[Part Two will be about sexual intimacy in more general terms, but with a continued eye on the terrible impact porn can have.]


[1] Now, as for the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) crowd is concerned, I can certainly understand how they might feel the way that they do. We might be tempted to refer to them as “pathetic weasels.” Why? Because they’re not approaching women as equals and are far too fast to dismiss some of the core ideas surrounding the more traditional (old-fashioned) approaches to feminism, which at one time was actually a rather good idea. Besides, not all women are radical feminists; in fact, only a small percentage of them are. And most men wouldn’t be naturally attracted to them in any event. The MGTOW guys are looking for reasons why women, overall, are terrible just because they suffer one setback. “We’re in a gynocentric world and females have all the power,” is just plain irrational.

[2] Local pleasure, in this context, is immediate gratification in the local moment

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Bibliotherapy – a Reading Treament for Depression

The best evidence for the treatment of depression has consistently been a combination of talk therapy and psychopharmaceuticals. At least, in terms of relief and, ultimately, the derivation of strategies to cope when the “black dog” arrives once more at your doorstep.  But even I, as a highly trained mental health specialist (smiles), don’t believe that talk therapy works for everyone; moreover, the use of drugs is vastly over-rated. Our dog was recently put onto a course of Prozac, so draw your own conclusions.

That said, drugs do work for so many and must be part of a treatment plan. Depression kills and nothing in life ought to result in capital punishment (well unless your name is Ted Bundy).

Those strategies referred to above can include things like exercise (a quick run around the block can relieve depression and anxiety faster than, say, Xanax), immersion in a fun and distracting hobby, and this thing we therapists call bibliotherapy.  To that end, I will discuss some books that I have recommended to my clients over the years in hopes that you might find at least one of them useful.

“Bibliotherapy” refers to reading books to help alleviate mental health challenges such as acute anxiety and deep depression. Time and time again I see research that demonstrates how it can be an effective form of treatment.

Insofar as I don’t exactly make a living being a therapist, I don’t have an axe to grind (or, as they say, a “dog in this fight”) and can therefore say that sitting with a trained counselor is still the best defense and offense against the vagaries of depression.  Until you can get in front of one, however, consider doing some bibliotherapy. It’s cheap, convenient, has no adverse side effects, and can really help.

And it helps to make you a better patient!

Background reading can work to familiarize yourself with the concepts surrounding depression and its treatments, including an understand of what therapists say and why they say it. Background reading can help to normalize your condition in the sense that you won’t feel so utterly alone: Plenty of people (in fact, most people) suffer depression from time to time. It’s part of the human condition and bibliotherapy will have you discarding the “woe is me” feelings in no time.

Plus, most therapists will assign one of the following books anyway, so why not get started on your own?

All of these books are in my library. Over the years, I have read them all and believe they helped immensely. And I read them again and again, especially when I feel a dark mood coming on.

We begin with a classic, Darkness Visible by William Styron, he of Sophie’s Choice fame. It’s about suicide and his brushes with “the most permanent of solutions to the most temporary of problems.” I found it sobering and a good reminder that nothing is so bad as to require capital punishment (except, as I said above, if you happen to be a serial killer).

One of the better authors in the field is David Burns. Years ago, he wrote Feeling Good. Now, he has an updated version called Feeling Great. I highly recommend it.

He repeats the oft cited and major factor contributing to depression, namely, that of “faulty thinking.”  Simply put, Depressives (me, you) are often depressed because they see the world through an overly pessimistic lens that is quite candidly inaccurate. Things are never as bad we think they are. The great Greek philosopher Epictetus said it best: Man is not disturbed by events but by his view of events. The goal is to replace those faulty thoughts and replace them with ones that align more closely with reality.

Next up is On Depression by Nassir Ghaemi

What strikes me as salient in Ghaemi’s writing is the notion that life is chaos and all of us are doing are best to navigate that chaos and to bring a certain amount of order to our lives. Dr. Jordan Peterson speaks to this in his books about 12 Rules for Life: An antidote to Chaos.

This one isn’t a how-to manual on how to manage depression. Not at all. What it provides is a better, more holistic understanding of melancholy itself. Consequently, this book is helpful to me because it sets forth a completely different framework from which to think about depression.

But getting past melancholy is only half the battle. Indeed, all that it does is to get us to a neutral state. Why not then move the needle all the way over to happiness itself? This is what Hardwiring Happiness by Rick Hanson is all about.

Like Burns, Hanson makes the case that our depression and, to a certain extent, our anxieties, is caused by “disordered thinking.” As put forth by Epictetus (see above), we all tend to focus on the negative. Depressed people (me, you) hyper-focus on the negative.

Dr. Hanson guides readers through a meditative practice (grounded in cognitive and neuroscience research) that helps individuals “rewire” their brains so that they’re less sensitive to the negative and more receptive to the positive in their lives. You accomplish that “rewiring” by internalizing the positive experiences you have throughout the day. His recommendation and his steps to recovery are basic to the entire idea of meditation. Check it out.

Even presidents of the United States aren’t immune. Take for example, Abraham Lincoln’s lifelong battle with what we now call depression. Not a self-help kind of book, Lincoln’s Melancholy helps to biographically “normalize” the dark mood that afflicted him rather frequently. Indeed, Lincoln’s melancholy was both a curse and a blessing. At some points in his life, depression drove President Lincoln to the brink of suicide.

Shenk also makes a compelling case that Lincoln’s depression helped him develop coping strategies and a realism about life that would allow him to lead the Union through the Civil War.

 

Learning about Lincoln’s life provides a real-life example of how you don’t have to “cure” your depression in order to live a successful life. Lincoln didn’t let his depression either define him or crush him, but instead mitigated, harnessed, and integrated the condition into something that made him a better leader and man.

Undoing Depression by Richard O’Connor is a good book. In it, he takes a rather holistic  approach to treating and managing depression by making the case that it’s our habits that are most overlooked when understanding our moods. Indeed, we can actually get “good” at depression because we develop habits like faulty thinking or self-medicating with alcohol. Undoing Depression examines how these depression-deepening habits can prevent a person from experiencing healthy emotion.

A Liberated Mind, by Steven Hayes, shows us how to apply Hayes’ Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to those streams of negative thoughts that engender depression.

Here I will admit to being somewhat biased. Dr. Hayes was an instructor of mine while doing both my master’s and doctoral work at the University of Nevada, Reno. He is a remarkable writer, teacher, and therapist. His ACT studies are seminal and urge us to accept our negative thoughts non-judgmentally and then to commit to disputing them systematically.

Based largely on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), ACT to some extent rejects the CBT-idea that negative thoughts are poison. They aren’t good for us, to be sure, but even a little bit of poison can be effective now and then (take for example the various vaccines we get, which are nothing more or less than the disease they purport to fight). ACT wants us to accept them, then hold them up to the light of day.

A Liberated Mind is a workbook. Check it out.

One last book is really a compendium of various articles published at a web site I like called The Art of Manliness. What with the war on “toxic masculinity” (whatever that is), manliness is akin to racism, being a Nazi, and generally a bad thing. I don’t agree. Being the best person you can be is essential and isn’t limited to just women. Men need some guidance, too.

The book includes a review of some of the more recent literature on depression, including causes and possible treatment modalities. I haven’t read it recently but when I first saw it several years back, I thought it pretty good. Leashing the Black Dog by Brett McKay.

 

 

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Adolthood – a New Category of Teenager

I have been lecturing for a few years now on the emerging literature supporting the notion that adulthood doesn’t really begin until age 25. Aside from the science of it all, my thinking was that adolescence hasn’t “aged” in my time as it was in, say, my parent’s generation. After all, some huge percentage of the Greatest Generation spent the latter part of their teenage years dying on the beaches of Normandy or the sands of Iwo Jima. Getting shot at ages you pretty fast and makes you appreciate graduating into adulthood.

This article from the BBC captures my thinking quite nicely. It is their work, not mine, and I post it here only for reference. Enjoy.


Why Teenagers Aren’t What They Used to Be

There’s childhood, adulthood, and the messy bit in between. Here’s how we’ve defined adolescence throughout history – and why it’s time for a new category.

You know the trouble with young people these days? The younkers think they’re better than the rest of us, the ephebes are growing up too fast, and the backfisch? Well, they are far too precocious.

If you don’t recognize these words, you wouldn’t be alone. They are all old terms for adolescents that have fallen out of common usage.

A younker was a word used pre-1900 stemming from the Dutch and German terms for a young nobleman – a little lord – and was also used to describe a junior sailor. An ephebe was a young Athenian in Ancient Greece, aged 18 to 19, who was training to be a full citizen. And a backfisch – literally “baked fish” – is a German word that popped up in coming-of-age novels published around the turn of the 20th Century. It described a giddy, spontaneous, adventurous girl who had an adult’s independence paired with a child’s reckless approach to risk.

Across history, the words, and categories we use to describe young people have evolved significantly, driven by transformations in culture, work, education, and scientific insight. How have these factors shaped the terms we use for adolescents today – like “teenager”? And as societal norms shift and new discoveries are made, how might our categories for the young change again in the future?

One of the most culturally significant inventions of the past century was the teenager. It’s difficult to imagine that we ever existed without our adolescent years as we experience them now, but if you could time-travel back a few centuries, people would find the modern idea of the teenager to be something of an alien concept.

Back in the 1500s, for example, most Western adolescents would have been workers, recruited into the world of adult labor from as early as seven years old, according to the historian of childhood Hugh Cunningham of the University of Kent.

In rural economies, this may have involved farm work to support the family’s agricultural income, but as industrialization spread in the 18th and 19th Centuries, many teens became factory workers, grafting alongside their adult peers. In the late 1800s, writes Cunningham, children in the US were contributing around a third of family income by the time their father was in his 50s. There was no universal schooling, and only the wealthiest could tap into a “bank of mum and dad” to provide food and shelter.

As developed world living standards and education policies began to change in the early 20th Century, however, young people were increasingly able to live fully under the wings of their parents or guardians for longer, supported financially and emotionally. But even then, the invention of the modern teenager wouldn’t happen immediately.

Before World War Two, the term teenager (or teen-ager) had occasionally been used, but it was only in the late 1940s and 1950s that it became more common. Around this time, a number of different forces converged to make that happen.

In rich countries, it became much more likely for a young person to stay in school for their teenage years. In the late 1940s, schooling in the UK was made compulsory up to the age of 15. And in the US, high school graduation rates grew from less than 10% at the start of the century to around 60% by the mid-1950s.

Post-World War Two, historians also note that social attitudes towards the rights of young people shifted in many Western nations: the sense that young people had a duty to serve their parents weakened, and their own wishes and values began to be listened to more.

And one sector of society that was listening to these needs the most? Commerce. In the 1950s, companies realized that teenagers could also be influencers. They were capable of setting trends and spreading fashions, and therefore could be marketed to for great profit. As a writer for the New Yorker noted in 1958: “To some extent, the teenage market – and, in fact, the very notion of the teenager – has been created by the businessmen who exploit it.”

Back then it was all about capitalizing on rebellion, hot-rods and rock n’ roll. Today it’s TikTok and… well, I wouldn’t know, since I’m 65 years old. But the point is that the perception of teenagers as cool, trend-setting, and influential was – and still is – just as much a creation of commerce and media as a reflection of reality. Teenage music, fashion, and language ripples across the rest of society, supercharged by industries established to profit from them.

Around the 1950s, you can also find anecdotal evidence that cultural perceptions of teenagers as painfully adolescent were becoming more widely known, with complaints about the trials of parenting pubescent children. In 1955, for example, a woman called Mrs. G wrote to Mary Brown, an agony aunt for the UK Daily Mirror newspaper, complaining about her son: “He’s cheeky and he’s sulky… why should a boy change like this?” she wrote. “He resents any questions. The best I get is a polite yes or no, the worst an angry look which clearly tells me to mind my own business.”

All this means that the teenager as we know it was very much a 20th-Century invention. The question is, will these cultural perceptions shift again in the future?

Over the past decade or two, there have been some intriguing changes in the attributes of the teenager. The psychologist Jean Twenge of San Diego State University notes that teens are growing up more slowly by many measures, compared with their 20th-Century counterparts. A typical 17-18-year-old in the US, for example, is now less likely have tried alcohol, have had sex, or acquired their driver’s license, compared with similarly aged teens only 20 years ago. A 13-14-year-old is less likely to have a job or to have gone on dates. Meanwhile other measures of early adulthood, such as teenage pregnancy, have reached historic lows in the US and Europe.

Twenge points to a number of reasons why growing up is slowing down. There’s little doubt that technology and the internet has played a major role, meaning more interaction with peers happens online and, in the home, where sex, experimentation and trouble are perhaps less likely. For this reason, she calls this latest crop of young people the “iGen” generation and has written a book all about their characteristics. But she also points out that some of these trends were already beginning before the online culture of the 21st Century, and so the internet can’t be totally blamed.

Her hypothesis is that teens behave differently depending on how hostile and unforgiving their local environment feels to them, an idea that social scientists called “life history theory.” In tougher times in history, teens were forced to take a “fast life strategy”, growing up faster, reproducing earlier and focusing on basic needs. Now life in the West is generally more forgiving, and families are wealthier – at least on average – so it’s possible for teens to take a “slow life strategy,” delaying the transition to more adult behaviors.

“At times and places where people live longer, healthcare is better, and education takes longer to finish, people usually make the choice to have fewer children and nurture them more carefully,” Twenge explains.

There may also be a greater emphasis on safety among this latest teenage generation, Twenge suggests, both physically and emotionally, which encourages young people and their parents or guardians to keep them insulated from the harshness of the adult world for longer.

So, what will this mean for our ideas about teenagers if these trends continue? It might suggest that the 20th-Century notion of a teenage rebel-without-a-cause is becoming outdated. Whereas many teenagers in the 1950s and 1960s were driving their own cars, getting into trouble, and experimenting with drink and drugs, their similarly aged counterparts today are often far more clean-living and safety conscious. If there is reckless behavior and an urge for independence, it’s coming later.

A slower path to adulthood is not the only way that cultural perceptions of youth may need updating. In recent years, science has also shown that adolescence doesn’t finish at the end of the teenage years. By 20 years old, a young person is usually considered an adult: their body size is fully grown, they can vote, get married, and many have already entered the workplace. But the evidence suggests that, by many important measures, adolescence continues until around the age of 24 to 25.

At the end of the teens, puberty may have finished but the development and maturation of the brain is far from complete. Brain imaging shows that white matter, for instance, continues to increase into the mid-20s, coupled with a rise in cortical complexity. Some researchers now also see these years as an important developmental social stage too, where young people are still learning about intimacy, friendship, family, self-expression, and political and social awareness, and so deserve more support and protection than they currently receive from society.

Could there therefore be a case that these older adolescents should become more clearly recognized as a distinct demographic group? Should we allow them to delay their entry into the fully adult world of life and work? It might seem like coddling to some, but then again, our ancestors might have said the same about how we treat teenagers.

Signs of this cultural change may be happening already. The “boomerang” phenomenon describes recent rises in the number of young adults returning to the nest to live with their parents after higher education, or because they can’t afford their own property or rent. (Some never move out in the first place.) In the UK, around 3.5 million single young adults now live with their parents, which is a third more than a decade ago, according to research led by Katherine Hill of Loughborough University in 2020. Wealth imbalances between older generations and today’s young people have only strengthened this trend.

It’s possible that cultural changes brought by longer lifespans will soon begin to play a role too. As parents work for longer, they may be in a stronger financial position to support their older children, as opposed to retiring. But that’s not all. Lynda Gratton and Andrew J Scott of London Business School propose that greater longevity will also soon begin to make the “three-stage” life of school, work and retirement feel outdated. And this, they argue in their book The 100-Year Life, may bring particularly big changes for cultural expectations of young people in their early 20s.

“One difference we should consider is the assumption that in our 20s we are meant to go immediately from schooling to a career. In the 100-year life we should consider taking a period of our 20s and dedicating to a new stage, exploration,” write Gratton and Scott. “Your decisions early in life impact the entirety of the rest of it… so it is rather absurd that we expect people in their late teens and early 20s to make decisions like what direction they want their lives to take. Instead, they should have a period of exploring the world and trying different paths.”

What’s curious is that this specific period of life, post-teen, doesn’t have a commonly known name to describe it, at least in English. Perhaps it should. After all, pre-teens have their own moniker as “tweens”. Some researchers have labelled the period pre-25 as “prolonged adolescence”, but perhaps another name could be adolthood – spanning the teenage and adult worlds.

And if the idea of adolts doesn’t catch on, someone can surely find a better name: after all, from ephebes to younkers to backfisch, we have been coining new categories for young people for most of history.

 

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Relax – Nothing is Under Control

I saw a bumper-sticker once. Looked like this:

The Buddha is said to have that bumper sticker on his car (a Tesla, I might add).

Anyway, I have been reflecting on the idea of “control” and the ways that accountants (the ultimate “controllers”), structural engineers, and Oreo Cookie makers, tackle it. So, with that in mind, let me talk about Oreo cookies, earth filled dams, and skyscrapers, and the idea that nothing is under control.

I was trained as an accountant, which you no doubt remember, and the entirety of “internal control systems” which, to an accountant, is paramount. We are trained to “test” the rigor of such systems. We don’t test everything; just samples here and there to satisfy ourselves that the controls are what management says they are.

We invariably find fault – errors – and report them back to management, along with commentary about the severity of the errors found. We opine on the degree to which management should concern itself with changing/strengthening the control systems. It is up to them, of course, whether to do that or not, but if the errors found are severe enough they might lead us (the accountants) to declare the financial statements unreliable. It rarely got to that point, but it could. In fact, we were concerned if we did NOT find any errors.

All dams leak. Did you know that? They are designed to leak; or, I should say, to be able to withstand a certain volume of leakage. The earth-filled dam at Oroville leaks. Hoover Dam leaks. Thus, it can be said that even dam builders know that “total control” is impossible.

Skyscrapers sway in the wind. If you ever get to New York, try and get to the top of a really tall building and experience the sway. It’s unnerving. But structural engineers would remind you that even the mightiest of oak trees sway in the wind. They are designed to do so. To try for total control is to build something so rigid that it will snap in the worst way possible, when you least expect it.

Back to control systems. We design such systems with an eye toward cost-benefit and the notion that nothing can ever be 100%. Retail stores try their mightiest to “control shrinkage” (aka, shoplifting losses), but allow for a certain amount anyway. Total control would be so unenjoyable as to invite customers away from your store.

Think of it like a statistician would: The best we can hope for is two standard deviations’ worth of control. That we can get to 95% control is damn good. If we go to 3 standard deviations, we can cover 99%. But at what cost?

The Oreo factory is happy with 99.99966% accuracy. They can afford it and your basic Oreo doesn’t cost that much to begin with. But to strive for 100% perfection is madness. So … they build systems to keep them at about 99.99966% (ever heard of Six Sigma? That’s the goal – 99.99966%). To get that last .00034% isn’t worth the cost. Ever.

Better to go to bed at night knowing that you have strived for two standard deviations of control and to then leave the outliers to chance. They WILL happen but with such rarity that it will actually be fun tracking down the cause.

Having systems in place, systems which by the way you are forever tweaking on the basis of experience (in life), will get you closer to that kind of “control.” Striving for 100% perfection (e.g. Total Control) will cost far too much time and energy and, sadly, take the fun out of life.

The Buddha might have said, “Dear son, you asked me how I do it. The answer is … I have systems. And when they fail, the fun begins.”

Relax.

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Your Professional Decline Is Coming (Much) Sooner Than You Think

Your Professional Decline Is Coming (Much) Sooner Than You Think

Here’s how to make the most of it.

[Editor’s Note: This piece was written by Arthur C. Brooks for the July 2019 issue of the The Atlantic. It is his work, not mine. I reproduce it here for posterity and my own reference. ]

“It’s not true that no one needs you anymore.”

These words came from an elderly woman sitting behind me on a late-night flight from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. The plane was dark and quiet. A man I assumed to be her husband murmured almost inaudibly in response, something to the effect of “I wish I was dead.”

Again, the woman: “Oh, stop saying that.”

I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but couldn’t help it. I listened with morbid fascination, forming an image of the man in my head as they talked. I imagined someone who had worked hard all his life in relative obscurity, someone with unfulfilled dreams—perhaps of the degree he never attained, the career he never pursued, the company he never started.

At the end of the flight, as the lights switched on, I finally got a look at the desolate man. I was shocked. I recognized him—he was, and still is, world-famous. Then in his mid‑80s, he was beloved as a hero for his courage, patriotism, and accomplishments many decades ago.

As he walked up the aisle of the plane behind me, other passengers greeted him with veneration. Standing at the door of the cockpit, the pilot stopped him and said, “Sir, I have admired you since I was a little boy.” The older man—apparently wishing for death just a few minutes earlier—beamed with pride at the recognition of his past glories.


For selfish reasons, I couldn’t get the cognitive dissonance of that scene out of my mind. It was the summer of 2015, shortly after my 51st birthday. I was not world-famous like the man on the plane, but my professional life was going very well. I was the president of a flourishing Washington think tank, the American Enterprise Institute. I had written some best-selling books. People came to my speeches. My columns were published in The New York Times.

But I had started to wonder:

Can I really keep this going? I work like a maniac. But even if I stayed at it 12 hours a day, seven days a week, at some point my career would slow and stop. And when it did, what then? Would I one day be looking back wistfully and wishing I were dead? Was there anything I could do, starting now, to give myself a shot at avoiding misery—and maybe even achieve happiness—when the music inevitably stops?

Though these questions were personal, I decided to approach them as the social scientist I am, treating them as a research project. It felt unnatural—like a surgeon taking out his own appendix. But I plunged ahead, and for the past four years, I have been on a quest to figure out how to turn my eventual professional decline from a matter of dread into an opportunity for progress.

Here’s what I’ve found.

The field of “happiness studies” has boomed over the past two decades, and a consensus has developed about well-being as we advance through life. In The Happiness Curve: Why Life Gets Better After 50, Jonathan Rauch, a Brookings Institution scholar, and an Atlantic contributing editor, reviews the strong evidence suggesting that the happiness of most adults declines through their 30s and 40s, then bottoms out in their early 50s. Nothing about this pattern is set in stone, of course. But the data seem eerily consistent with my experience: My 40s and early 50s were not an especially happy period of my life, notwithstanding my professional fortunes.

So, what can people expect after that, based on the data? The news is mixed. Almost all studies of happiness over the life span show that, in wealthier countries, most people’s contentment starts to increase again in their 50s, until age 70 or so. That is where things get less predictable, however. After 70, some people stay steady in happiness; others get happier until death. Others—men in particular—see their happiness plummet. Indeed, depression and suicide rates for men increase after age 75.

This last group would seem to include the hero on the plane. A few researchers have looked at this cohort to understand what drives their unhappiness. It is, in a word, irrelevance. In 2007, a team of academic researchers at UCLA and Princeton analyzed data on more than 1,000 older adults. Their findings, published in the Journal of Gerontology, showed that senior citizens who rarely or never “felt useful” were nearly three times as likely as those who frequently felt useful to develop a mild disability, and were more than three times as likely to have died during the course of the study.

One might think that gifted and accomplished people, such as the man on the plane, would be less susceptible than others to this sense of irrelevance; after all, accomplishment is a well-documented source of happiness. If current accomplishment brings happiness, then shouldn’t the memory of that accomplishment provide some happiness as well?

Maybe not. Though the literature on this question is sparse, giftedness and achievements early in life do not appear to provide an insurance policy against suffering later on.

In 1999, Carole Holahan and Charles Holahan, psychologists at the University of Texas, published an influential paper in The International Journal of Aging and Human Development that looked at hundreds of older adults who early in life had been identified as highly gifted. The Holahans’ conclusion: “Learning at a younger age of membership in a study of intellectual giftedness was related to … less favorable psychological well-being at age eighty.”

This study may simply be showing that it’s hard to live up to high expectations, and that telling your kid she is a genius is not necessarily good parenting. (The Holahans surmise that the children identified as gifted might have made intellectual ability more central to their self-appraisal, creating “unrealistic expectations for success” and causing them to fail to “take into account the many other life influences on success and recognition.”) However, abundant evidence suggests that the waning of ability in people of high accomplishment is especially brutal psychologically. Consider professional athletes, many of whom struggle profoundly after their sports career ends. Tragic examples abound, involving depression, addiction, or suicide; unhappiness in retired athletes may even be the norm, at least temporarily. A study published in the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology in 2003, which charted the life satisfaction of former Olympic athletes, found that they generally struggled with a low sense of personal control when they first stopped competing.

Recently, I asked Dominique Dawes, a former Olympic gold-medal gymnast, how normal life felt after competing and winning at the highest levels. She told me that she is happy, but that the adjustment wasn’t easy—and still isn’t, even though she won her last Olympic medal in 2000. “My Olympic self would ruin my marriage and leave my kids feeling inadequate,” she told me, because it is so demanding and hard driving. “Living life as if every day is an Olympics only makes those around me miserable.”

Why might former elite performers have such a hard time? No academic research has yet proved this, but I strongly suspect that the memory of remarkable ability, if that is the source of one’s self-worth, might, for some, provide an invidious contrast to a later, less remarkable life. “Unhappy is he who depends on success to be happy,” Alex Dias Ribeiro, a former Formula 1 race-car driver, once wrote. “For such a person, the end of a successful career is the end of the line. His destiny is to die of bitterness or to search for more success in other careers and to go on living from success to success until he falls dead. In this case, there will not be life after success.”

Call it The Principle of Psychoprofessional Gravitation: the idea that the agony of professional oblivion is directly related to the height of professional prestige previously achieved, and to one’s emotional attachment to that prestige. Problems related to achieving professional success might appear to be a pretty good species of problem to have; even raising this issue risks seeming precious. But if you reach professional heights and are deeply invested in being high up, you can suffer mightily when you inevitably fall. That’s the man on the plane. Maybe that will be you, too. And, without significant intervention, I suspect it will be me.

The Principle of Psychoprofessional Gravitation can help explain the many cases of people who have done work of world-historical significance yet wind up feeling like failures. Take Charles Darwin, who was just 22 when he set out on his five-year voyage aboard the Beagle in 1831. Returning at 27, he was celebrated throughout Europe for his discoveries in botany and zoology, and for his early theories of evolution. Over the next 30 years, Darwin took enormous pride in sitting atop the celebrity-scientist pecking order, developing his theories, and publishing them as books and essays—the most famous being On the Origin of Species, in 1859.

But as Darwin progressed into his 50s, he stagnated; he hit a wall in his research. At the same time, an Austrian monk by the name of Gregor Mendel discovered what Darwin needed to continue his work: the theory of genetic inheritance. Unfortunately, Mendel’s work was published in an obscure academic journal and Darwin never saw it—and in any case, Darwin did not have the mathematical ability to understand it. From then on, he made little progress. Depressed in his later years, he wrote to a close friend, “I have not the heart or strength at my age to begin any investigation lasting years, which is the only thing which I enjoy.”

Presumably, Darwin would be pleasantly surprised to learn how his fame grew after his death, in 1882. From what he could see when he was old, however, the world had passed him by, and he had become irrelevant. That could have been Darwin on the plane behind me that night.

It also could have been a younger version of me, because I have had precocious experience with professional decline.

As a child, I had just one goal: to be the world’s greatest French-horn player. I worked at it slavishly, practicing hours a day, seeking out the best teachers, and playing in any ensemble I could find. I had pictures of famous horn players on my bedroom wall for inspiration. And for a while, I thought my dream might come true. At 19, I left college to take a job playing professionally in a touring chamber-music ensemble. My plan was to keep rising through the classical-music ranks, joining a top symphony orchestra in a few years or maybe even becoming a soloist—the most exalted job a classical musician can hold.

But then, in my early 20s, a strange thing happened: I started getting worse. To this day, I have no idea why. My technique began to suffer, and I had no explanation for it. Nothing helped. I visited great teachers and practiced more, but I couldn’t get back to where I had been. Pieces that had been easy to play became hard; pieces that had been hard became impossible.

Perhaps the worst moment in my young but flailing career came at age 22, when I was performing at Carnegie Hall. While delivering a short speech about the music I was about to play, I stepped forward, lost my footing, and fell off the stage into the audience. On the way home from the concert, I mused darkly that the experience was surely a message from God.

But I sputtered along for nine more years. I took a position in the City Orchestra of Barcelona, where I increased my practicing but my playing gradually deteriorated. Eventually I found a job teaching at a small music conservatory in Florida, hoping for a magical turnaround that never materialized. Realizing that maybe I ought to hedge my bets, I went back to college via distance learning, and earned my bachelor’s degree shortly before my 30th birthday. I secretly continued my studies at night, earning a master’s degree in economics a year later. Finally, I had to admit defeat: I was never going to turn around my faltering musical career. So, at 31 I gave up, abandoning my musical aspirations entirely, to pursue a doctorate in public policy.

Life goes on, right? Sort of. After finishing my studies, I became a university professor, a job I enjoyed. But I still thought every day about my beloved first vocation. Even now, I regularly dream that I am onstage, and wake to remember that my childhood aspirations are now only phantasms.

I am lucky to have accepted my decline at a young enough age that I could redirect my life into a new line of work. Still, to this day, the sting of that early decline makes these words difficult to write. I vowed to myself that it wouldn’t ever happen again.

Will it happen again? In some professions, early decline is inescapable. No one expects an Olympic athlete to remain competitive until age 60. But in many physically nondemanding occupations, we implicitly reject the inevitability of decline before very old age. Sure, our quads and hamstrings may weaken a little as we age. But as long as we retain our marbles, our quality of work as a writer, lawyer, executive, or entrepreneur should remain high up to the very end, right? Many people think so. I recently met a man a bit older than I am who told me he planned to “push it until the wheels came off.” In effect, he planned to stay at the very top of his game by any means necessary, and then keel over.

But the odds are he won’t be able to. The data are shockingly clear that for most people, in most fields, decline starts earlier than almost anyone thinks.

According to research by Dean Keith Simonton, a professor emeritus of psychology at UC Davis and one of the world’s leading experts on the trajectories of creative careers, success, and productivity increase for the first 20 years after the inception of a career, on average. So, if you start a career in earnest at 30, expect to do your best work around 50 and go into decline soon after that.

The specific timing of peak and decline vary somewhat depending on the field. Benjamin Jones, a professor of strategy and entrepreneurship at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management, has spent years studying when people are most likely to make prizewinning scientific discoveries and develop key inventions. His findings can be summarized by this little ditty:

Age is, of course, a fever chill
that every physicist must fear.
He’s better dead than living still
when once he’s past his thirtieth year.

The author of those gloomy lines? Paul Dirac, a winner of the 1933 Nobel Prize in Physics.

Dirac overstates the point, but only a little. Looking at major inventors and No bel winners going back more than a century, Jones has found that the most common age for producing a magnum opus is the late 30s. He has shown that the likelihood of a major discovery increases steadily through one’s 20s and 30s and then declines through one’s 40s, 50s, and 60s. Are there outliers? Of course. But the likelihood of producing a major innovation at age 70 is approximately what it was at age 20—almost nonexistent.

Much of literary achievement follows a similar pattern. Simonton has shown that poets peak in their early 40s. Novelists generally take a little longer. When Martin Hill Ortiz, a poet and novelist, collected data on New York Times fiction best sellers from 1960 to 2015, he found that authors were likeliest to reach the No. 1 spot in their 40s and 50s. Despite the famous productivity of a few novelists well into old age, Ortiz shows a steep drop-off in the chance of writing a best seller after the age of 70. (Some nonfiction writers—especially historians—peak later, as we shall see in a minute.)

Entrepreneurs peak and decline earlier, on average. After earning fame and fortune in their 20s, many tech entrepreneurs are in creative decline by age 30. In 2014, the Harvard Business Review reported that founders of enterprises valued at $1 billion or more by venture capitalists tend to cluster in the 20-to-34 age range. Subsequent research has found that the clustering might be slightly later, but all studies in this area have found that the majority of successful start-ups have founders under age 50.

This research concerns people at the very top of professions that are atypical. But the basic finding appears to apply more broadly. Scholars at Boston College’s Center for Retirement Research studied a wide variety of jobs and found considerable susceptibility to age-related decline in fields ranging from policing to nursing. Other research has found that the best-performing home-plate umpires in Major League Baseball have 18 years less experience and are 23 years younger than the worst-performing umpires (who are 56.1 years old, on average). Among air traffic controllers, the age-related decline is so sharp—and the potential consequences of decline-related errors so dire—that the mandatory retirement age is 56.

In sum, if your profession requires mental processing speed or significant analytic capabilities—the kind of profession most college graduates occupy—noticeable decline is probably going to set in earlier than you imagine.

Sorry.

If decline not only is inevitable but also happens earlier than most of us expect, what should we do when it comes for us?

Whole sections of bookstores are dedicated to becoming successful. The shelves are packed with titles like The Science of Getting Rich and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. There is no section marked “Managing Your Professional Decline.”

But some people have managed their declines well. Consider the case of Johann Sebastian Bach. Born in 1685 to a long line of prominent musicians in central Germany, Bach quickly distinguished himself as a musical genius. In his 65 years, he published more than 1,000 compositions for all the available instrumentations of his day.

Early in his career, Bach was considered an astoundingly gifted organist and improviser. Commissions rolled in; royalty sought him out; young composers emulated his style. He enjoyed real prestige.

But it didn’t last—in no small part because his career was overtaken by musical trends ushered in by, among others, his own son, Carl Philipp Emanuel, known as C.P.E. to the generations that followed. The fifth of Bach’s 20 children, C.P.E. exhibited the musical gifts his father had. He mastered the baroque idiom, but he was more fascinated with a new “classical” style of music, which was taking Europe by storm. As classical music displaced baroque, C.P.E.’s prestige boomed while his father’s music became passé.

Bach easily could have become embittered, like Darwin. Instead, he chose to redesign his life, moving from innovator to instructor. He spent a good deal of his last 10 years writing The Art of Fugue, not a famous or popular work in his time, but one intended to teach the techniques of the baroque to his children and students—and, as unlikely as it seemed at the time, to any future generations that might be interested. In his later years, he lived a quieter life as a teacher and a family man.

What’s the difference between Bach and Darwin? Both were preternaturally gifted and widely known early in life. Both attained permanent fame posthumously. Where they differed was in their approach to the midlife fade. When Darwin fell behind as an innovator, he became despondent and depressed; his life ended in sad inactivity. When Bach fell behind, he reinvented himself as a master instructor. He died beloved, fulfilled, and—though less famous than he once had been—respected.

The lesson for you and me, especially after 50: Be Johann Sebastian Bach, not Charles Darwin.

How does one do that?

A potential answer lies in the work of the British psychologist Raymond Cattell, who in the early 1940s introduced the concepts of fluid and crystallized intelligence. Cattell defined fluid intelligence as the ability to reason, analyze, and solve novel problems—what we commonly think of as raw intellectual horsepower. Innovators typically have an abundance of fluid intelligence. It is highest relatively early in adulthood and diminishes starting in one’s 30s and 40s. This is why tech entrepreneurs, for instance, do so well so early, and why older people have a much harder time innovating.

Crystallized intelligence, in contrast, is the ability to use knowledge gained in the past. Think of it as possessing a vast library and understanding how to use it. It is the essence of wisdom. Because crystallized intelligence relies on an accumulating stock of knowledge, it tends to increase through one’s 40s, and does not diminish until very late in life.

Careers that rely primarily on fluid intelligence tend to peak early, while those that use more crystallized intelligence peak later. For example, Dean Keith Simonton has found that poets—highly fluid in their creativity—tend to have produced half their lifetime creative output by age 40 or so. Historians—who rely on a crystallized stock of knowledge—don’t reach this milestone until about 60.

Here’s a practical lesson we can extract from all this: No matter what mix of intelligence your field requires, you can always endeavor to weight your career away from innovation and toward the strengths that persist, or even increase, later in life.

Like what? As Bach demonstrated, teaching is an ability that decays very late in life, a principal exception to the general pattern of professional decline over time. A study in The Journal of Higher Education showed that the oldest college professors in disciplines requiring a large store of fixed knowledge, specifically the humanities, tended to get evaluated most positively by students. This probably explains the professional longevity of college professors, three-quarters of whom plan to retire after age 65—more than half of them after 70, and some 15 percent of them after 80. (The average American retires at 61.) One day, during my first year as a professor, I asked a colleague in his late 60s whether he’d ever considered retiring. He laughed and told me he was more likely to leave his office horizontally than vertically.

Our dean might have chuckled ruefully at this—college administrators complain that research productivity among tenured faculty drops off significantly in the last decades of their career. Older professors take up budget slots that could otherwise be used to hire young scholars hungry to do cutting-edge research. But perhaps therein lies an opportunity: If older faculty members can shift the balance of their work from research to teaching without loss of professional prestige, younger faculty members can take on more research.

Patterns like this match what I’ve seen as the head of a think tank full of scholars of all ages. There are many exceptions, but the most profound insights tend to come from those in their 30s and early 40s. The best synthesizers and explainers of complicated ideas—that is, the best teachers—tend to be in their mid-60s or older, some of them well into their 80s.

That older people, with their stores of wisdom, should be the most successful teachers seems almost cosmically right. No matter what our profession, as we age, we can dedicate ourselves to sharing knowledge in some meaningful way.

A few years ago, I saw a cartoon of a man on his deathbed saying, “I wish I’d bought more crap.” It has always amazed me that many wealthy people keep working to increase their wealth, amassing far more money than they could possibly spend or even usefully bequeath. One day I asked a wealthy friend why this is so. Many people who have gotten rich know how to measure their self-worth only in pecuniary terms, he explained, so they stay on the hamster wheel, year after year. They believe that at some point, they will finally accumulate enough to feel truly successful, happy, and therefore ready to die.

This is a mistake, and not a benign one. Most Eastern philosophy warns that focusing on acquisition leads to attachment and vanity, which derail the search for happiness by obscuring one’s essential nature. As we grow older, we shouldn’t acquire more, but rather strip things away to find our true selves—and thus, peace.

At some point, writing one more book will not add to my life satisfaction; it will merely stave off the end of my book-writing career. The canvas of my life will have another brushstroke that, if I am being forthright, others will barely notice, and will certainly not appreciate very much. The same will be true for most other markers of my success.

What I need to do, in effect, is stop seeing my life as a canvas to fill and start seeing it more as a block of marble to chip away at and shape something out of. I need a reverse bucket list. My goal for each year of the rest of my life should be to throw out things, obligations, and relationships until I can clearly see my refined self in its best form.

And that self is … who, exactly?

Last year, the search for an answer to this question took me deep into the South Indian countryside, to a town called Palakkad, near the border between the states of Kerala and Tamil Nadu. I was there to meet the guru Sri Nochur Venkataraman, known as Acharya (“Teacher”) to his disciples. Acharya is a quiet, humble man dedicated to helping people attain enlightenment; he has no interest in Western techies looking for fresh start-up ideas or burnouts trying to escape the religious traditions they were raised in. Satisfied that I was neither of those things, he agreed to talk with me.

I told him my conundrum: Many people of achievement suffer as they age, because they lose their abilities, gained over many years of hard work. Is this suffering inescapable, like a cosmic joke on the proud? Or is there a loophole somewhere—a way around the suffering?

Acharya answered elliptically, explaining an ancient Hindu teaching about the stages of life, or ashramas. The first is Brahmacharya, the period of youth and young adulthood dedicated to learning. The second is Grihastha, when a person builds a career, accumulates wealth, and creates a family. In this second stage, the philosophers find one of life’s most common traps: People become attached to earthly rewards—money, power, sex, prestige—and thus try to make this stage last a lifetime.

The antidote to these worldly temptations is Vanaprastha, the third ashrama, whose name comes from two Sanskrit words meaning “retiring” and “into the forest.” This is the stage, usually starting around age 50, in which we purposefully focus less on professional ambition, and become more and more devoted to spirituality, service, and wisdom. This doesn’t mean that you need to stop working when you turn 50—something few people can afford to do—only that your life goals should adjust.

Vanaprastha is a time for study and training for the last stage of life, Sannyasa, which should be totally dedicated to the fruits of enlightenment. In times past, some Hindu men would leave their family in old age, take holy vows, and spend the rest of their life at the feet of masters, praying and studying. Even if sitting in a cave at age 75 isn’t your ambition, the point should still be clear: As we age, we should resist the conventional lures of success in order to focus on more transcendentally important things.

I told Acharya the story about the man on the plane. He listened carefully and thought for a minute. “He failed to leave Grihastha,” he told me. “He was addicted to the rewards of the world.” He explained that the man’s self-worth was probably still anchored in the memories of professional successes many years earlier, his ongoing recognition purely derivative of long-lost skills. Any glory today was a mere shadow of past glories. Meanwhile, he’d completely skipped the spiritual development of Vanaprastha, and was now missing out on the bliss of Sannyasa.

There is a message in this for those of us suffering from the Principle of Psychoprofessional Gravitation. Say you are a hard-charging, type-A lawyer, executive, entrepreneur, or—hypothetically, of course—president of a think tank. From early adulthood to middle age, your foot is on the gas, professionally. Living by your wits—by your fluid intelligence—you seek the material rewards of success, you attain a lot of them, and you are deeply attached to them. But the wisdom of Hindu philosophy—and indeed the wisdom of many philosophical traditions—suggests that you should be prepared to walk away from these rewards before you feel ready. Even if you’re at the height of your professional prestige, you probably need to scale back your career ambitions in order to scale up your metaphysical ones.

When the New York times columnist David Brooks talks about the difference between “résumé virtues” and “eulogy virtues,” he’s effectively putting the ashramas in a practical context. Résumé virtues are professional and oriented toward earthly success. They require comparison with others. Eulogy virtues are ethical and spiritual and require no comparison. Your eulogy virtues are what you would want people to talk about at your funeral. As in He was kind and deeply spiritual, not He made senior vice president at an astonishingly young age and had a lot of frequent-flier miles.

You won’t be around to hear the eulogy, but the point Brooks makes is that we live the most fulfilling life—especially once we reach midlife—by pursuing the virtues that are most meaningful to us.

I suspect that my own terror of professional decline is rooted in a fear of death—a fear that, even if it is not conscious, motivates me to act as if death will never come by denying any degradation in my résumé virtues. This denial is destructive, because it leads me to ignore the eulogy virtues that bring me the greatest joy.

The biggest mistake professionally successful people make is attempting to sustain peak accomplishment indefinitely.

How can I overcome this tendency? The Buddha recommends, of all things, corpse meditation: Many Theravada Buddhist monasteries in Thailand and Sri Lanka display photos of corpses in various states of decomposition for the monks to contemplate. “This body, too,” students are taught to say about their own body, “such is its nature, such is its future, such is its unavoidable fate.” At first this seems morbid. But its logic is grounded in psychological principles—and it’s not an exclusively Eastern idea. “To begin depriving death of its greatest advantage over us,” Michel de Montaigne wrote in the 16th century, “let us deprive death of its strangeness, let us frequent it, let us get used to it; let us have nothing more often in mind than death.”

Psychologists call this desensitization, in which repeated exposure to something repellent or frightening makes it seem ordinary, prosaic, not scary. And for death, it works. In 2017, a team of researchers at several American universities recruited volunteers to imagine they were terminally ill or on death row, and then to write blog posts about either their imagined feelings or their would-be final words. The researchers then compared these expressions with the writings and last words of people who were actually dying or facing capital punishment. The results, published in Psychological Science, were stark: The words of the people merely imagining their imminent death were three times as negative as those of the people actually facing death—suggesting that, counterintuitively, death is scarier when it is theoretical and remote than when it is a concrete reality closing in.

For most people, actively contemplating our demise so that it is present and real (rather than avoiding the thought of it via the mindless pursuit of worldly success) can make death less frightening; embracing death reminds us that everything is temporary and can make each day of life more meaningful.

“Death destroys a man,” E. M. Forster wrote, but “the idea of Death saves him.”

Decline is inevitable, and it occurs earlier than almost any of us wants to believe. But misery is not inevitable. Accepting the natural cadence of our abilities sets up the possibility of transcendence, because it allows the shifting of attention to higher spiritual and life priorities.

But such a shift demands more than mere platitudes. I embarked on my research with the goal of producing a tangible road map to guide me during the remaining years of my life.

This has yielded four specific commitments.

  1. JUMP

The biggest mistake professionally successful people make is attempting to sustain peak accomplishment indefinitely, trying to make use of the kind of fluid intelligence that begins fading relatively early in life. This is impossible. The key is to enjoy accomplishments for what they are in the moment, and to walk away perhaps before I am completely ready—but on my own terms.

So: I’ve resigned my job as president of the American Enterprise Institute, effective right about the time this essay is published. While I have not detected deterioration in my performance, it was only a matter of time. Like many executive positions, the job is heavily reliant on fluid intelligence. Also, I wanted freedom from the consuming responsibilities of that job, to have time for more spiritual pursuits. In truth, this decision wasn’t entirely about me. I love my institution and have seen many others like it suffer when a chief executive lingered too long.

Leaving something you love can feel a bit like a part of you is dying. In Tibetan Buddhism, there is a concept called bardo, which is a state of existence between death and rebirth— “like a moment when you step toward the edge of a precipice,” as a famous Buddhist teacher puts it. I am letting go of a professional life that answers the question Who am I?

I am extremely fortunate to have the means and opportunity to be able to walk away from a job. Many people cannot afford to do that. But you don’t necessarily have to quit your job; what’s important is striving to detach progressively from the most obvious earthly rewards—power, fame and status, money—even if you continue to work or advance a career. The real trick is walking into the next stage of life, Vanaprastha, to conduct the study and training that prepare us for fulfillment in life’s final stage.

  1. SERVE

Time is limited, and professional ambition crowds out things that ultimately matter more. To move from résumé virtues to eulogy virtues is to move from activities focused on the self to activities focused on others. This is not easy for me; I am a naturally egotistical person. But I have to face the fact that the costs of catering to selfishness are ruinous—and I now work every day to fight this tendency.

Fortunately, an effort to serve others can play to our strengths as we age. Remember, people whose work focuses on teaching or mentorship, broadly defined, peak later in life. I am thus moving to a phase in my career in which I can dedicate myself fully to sharing ideas in service of others, primarily by teaching at a university. My hope is that my most fruitful years lie ahead.

  1. WORSHIP

Because I’ve talked a lot about various religious and spiritual traditions—and emphasized the pitfalls of overinvestment in career success—readers might naturally conclude that I am making a Manichaean separation between the worlds of worship and work and suggesting that the emphasis be on worship. That is not my intention. I do strongly recommend that each person explore his or her spiritual self—I plan to dedicate a good part of the rest of my life to the practice of my own faith, Roman Catholicism. But this is not incompatible with work; on the contrary, if we can detach ourselves from worldly attachments and redirect our efforts toward the enrichment and teaching of others, work itself can become a transcendental pursuit.

“The aim and final end of all music,” Bach once said, “should be none other than the glory of God and the refreshment of the soul.” Whatever your metaphysical convictions, refreshment of the soul can be the aim of your work, like Bach’s.

Bach finished each of his manuscripts with the words Soli Deo gloria— “Glory to God alone.” He failed, however, to write these words on his last manuscript, “Contrapunctus 14,” from The Art of Fugue, which abruptly stops mid-measure. His son C.P.E. added these words to the score: “Über dieser Fuge … ist der Verfasser gestorben” (“At this point in the fugue … the composer died”). Bach’s life and work merged with his prayers as he breathed his last breath. This is my aspiration.

  1. CONNECT

Throughout this essay, I have focused on the effect that the waning of my work prowess will have on my happiness. But an abundance of research strongly suggests that happiness—not just in later years but across the life span—is tied directly to the health and plentifulness of one’s relationships. Pushing work out of its position of preeminence—sooner rather than later—to make space for deeper relationships can provide a bulwark against the angst of professional decline.

Dedicating more time to relationships, and less to work, is not inconsistent with continued achievement. “He is like a tree planted by streams of water,” the Book of Psalms says of the righteous person, “yielding its fruit in season, whose leaf does not wither, and who prospers in all he does.” Think of an aspen tree. To live a life of extraordinary accomplishment is—like the tree—to grow alone, reach majestic heights alone, and die alone. Right?

Wrong.

The aspen tree is an excellent metaphor for a successful person—but not, it turns out, for its solitary majesty. Above the ground, it may appear solitary. Yet each individual tree is part of an enormous root system, which is together one plant. In fact, an aspen is one of the largest living organisms in the world; a single grove in Utah, called Pando, spans 106 acres, and weighs an estimated 13 million pounds.

The secret to bearing my decline—to enjoying it—is to become more conscious of the roots linking me to others. If I have properly developed the bonds of love among my family and friends, my own withering will be more than offset by blooming in others.

When I talk about this personal research project I’ve been pursuing, people usually ask: Whatever happened to the hero on the plane?

I think about him a lot. He’s still famous, popping up in the news from time to time. Early on, when I saw a story about him, I would feel a flash of something like pity—which I now realize was really only a refracted sense of terror about my own future. Poor guy really meant I’m screwed.

But as my grasp of the principles laid out in this essay has deepened, my fear has declined proportionately. My feeling toward the man on the plane is now one of gratitude for what he taught me. I hope that he can find the peace and joy he is inadvertently helping me attain.


ARTHUR C. BROOKS is a contributing writer at The Atlantic, a professor of the practice of public leadership at the Harvard Kennedy School, a professor of management practice at the Harvard Business School, and host of the podcast The Art of Happiness with Arthur Brooks.

 

Posted in Counseling Concepts, Death, General Musings, People (in general), Positive Mental Attitude | 2 Comments

How to Pick the “Right” Boss

I have lifted the following words from a recent Harvard Business Review article. It scratched an itch for me, given the long string of great bosses I had in my business career. A long string that was marred by one terrible boss.  There is therefore no question in my mind that one of the greatest predictors of happiness at work is one’s relationship with “the boss.”  I have lived that statement.

Students coming out of our MBA Program at UW have, by and large, never had a boss. They go from their undergraduate degree straight into the MBA program.  They tend to look upon rigorous graduate classes as a proxy for a tough boss. Not so.

It can be hard to assess whether you and your prospective boss are the right fit. Especially since in an interview you’re working hard to demonstrate why she should hire you. But it’s important to evaluate her as well!  What sorts of questions should you ask to understand her management style?  Should you try to talk with other people she manages? Are there red flags you should watch out for?

What the Experts Say

“The primary reason people leave a job is because of either a mismatch in culture or a boss who drives them up the wall,” says John Lees, author of How To Get a Job You Love.  My one experience with a terrible boss proved the rule: I left Microsoft shortly after my one and only run-in with “Michael” and decided after 25 years, I didn’t need to put up with such crap.

Of course, you’ll never know exactly what it will be like to work for your potential boss until you have the job — and in some cases you might not even meet your manager until your first day — but you should gather as much information as possible in advance. And it’s not just negative impressions or red flags you should be on the lookout for.  “You must understand the person as she is,” says Claudio Fernández-Aráoz, a senior adviser at global executive search firm Egon Zehnder and author of It’s Not the How or the What but the Who.  “Failing to realize someone is a terrific boss is a very costly mistake, perhaps even more costly than failing to realize someone is a bad boss,” he says.  Terrific jobs — and managers — are hard to find.  Read on for tips on how to discern between the good managers and the bad.

Know what you’re looking for

The first step is to do some thinking about what you want and don’t want in a boss.  According to Fernández-Aráoz, there are three minimal conditions that must be met.  Is this an honest person, offering you a sustainable job for which you have something unique to contribute?  You might also spend some time visualizing the kind of relationship you want.  Are you looking for someone who will stand back and let you run with your work?  Or are you hoping for someone who can be an involved mentor?  This will give you some criteria against which to evaluate your potential manager when you’re in the interview.

Trust your instincts

It’s also important to check in with yourself throughout the process.  Being laser-focused on getting the job can sometimes cloud your judgment.  After each step, ask yourself whether this is the job you want and the manager you want to work for.  Did you get a good feeling from the person?  Is she someone you can imagine going to with problems?  Or someone you could have a difficult conversation with?  When the stakes are high, it’s best to trust yourself.  “Usually people say something like, ‘I should have known,’ because there are those small things that lead to a gut feeling we often ignore,” says Lees.

Be on the lookout for clues in the way you’re treated by your potential manager.  Of course, he doesn’t have total control over the process (likely HR runs it), but observe how you’re handled as a candidate, from the quality of the information the manager gives you to the way he looks after you when you arrive for the interview.

Ask questions, but tread lightly

You can often get a sense of your potential manager by asking probing questions, but be careful how you phrase them.  “People say an interview is a two-way process,” Lees says.  “In practice, that doesn’t work very well.”  The interviewer might misinterpret multiple questions about his management approach as disinterest in the job.  Fernández-Aráoz agrees: “What you should not do is ask direct questions, like ‘Tell me about your leadership style,’” he says.  Not only could this signal hesitancy on your part, but it’s unlikely to get you an honest answer, because your interviewer is in selling mode.  Instead, ask questions that will help your potential manager visualize you actually doing the job.  “What will I do on a day-to-day basis?”  “How will I learn?”  Phrasing your questions as if you already have the job will help the hiring manager create a mental picture of you in the role.

At the same time, you can watch how she responds.  “Look for her willingness to engage in dialogue, rather than asking you pre-established questions,” says Fernández-Aráoz.  “Think of it like rehearsing a collaborative working session with your future boss. ” If she’s willing to engage with you during the interview, she’ll likely engage with you in a working relationship.  After (and only after) you’ve built rapport, ask questions that will elicit her expectations for the person filling the position, and any potential downsides of the job.

Do your homework

One of the greatest mistakes you can make is failing to do your due diligence.  Don’t go into a job with your eyes closed.  “It can be a shock to people. They find out the culture is too formal, or pressurized, or there’s too much solitude for their taste,” Lees explains.  “You should know that before committing.”  Prepare for the interview by gathering as much intel as you can.  “You might find information that raises red flags, or information about the interviewer’s interests, which will allow you connect with the other person,” says Fernández-Aráoz.

Do a Google search on your potential manager.  Check out his online profiles, as well as those of people who used to work for him.  “LinkedIn profiles can tell you a lot about a person’s interests and relationships,” says Fernández-Aráoz.  Do people under him tend to leave the organization quickly or stay a long time?  “Low retention and high turnover rates are a clear indicator of problems,” says Lees.  If you find people who have left, try reaching out to them and ask what it was like to work for that manager.  You’d be surprised how many people are willing to respond to inquiries and share their experiences working for a manager, particularly if they had an especially positive — or negative — experience.

Meet the colleagues

“Perhaps the best approach is to ask to get to know a few of your future colleagues,” says Fernández-Aráoz.  Talk with people who would share the same boss and ask what it’s like to work for her — both what they enjoy and what they find challenging.  Don’t insist beyond what is appropriate, however.  There may be reasons, like confidentiality, that prevent such conversations.

After you’re offered a position, ask to spend a half-day with the company and your future team.  “Chatting about what work is like brings about huge amounts of incidental information,” says Lees.  The hiring manager is likely to see it as a sign of commitment and motivation, and you’ll get the chance to interact with your colleagues and get a feel for the day-to-day environment and how your potential boss influences it.

Principles to Remember

Do:

  • Pay attention to how the manager treats you throughout the interview process
  • Research the manager, and if possible find former employees to ask for their perspective
  • Request to spend a half-day at the organization so you can interact with your potential colleagues and boss

Don’t:

  • Ignore your gut instincts about the manager as you go through the interview process
  • Ask direct questions about leadership style — you’re unlikely to get an honest answer, and they might signal that you don’t want the job
  • Neglect to look up your potential boss’s social media profiles

 

Case Study #1: Don’t ignore the red flags

In 2010, Joe Franzen was searching for a position as a software developer. He went through several interviews for two different positions with a large health care company.  During a one-on-one interview, he noticed his potential manager read from a list of prewritten questions.  “Software development is anything but standard. When your potential manager reads from a list of standardized questions, it sends a signal the work will be treated the same way,” Joe said.  Later on in the interview process, Joe also noticed the manager and other panel members, including several other people higher in the chain of command, tried to assert dominance over him throughout the interview.  The panel members asked questions that began with “When you’re told” or “When your manager tells you,” which gave Joe the impression he would be an expendable resource at best.  “It’s a creative role; there’s a need for structure, but you don’t want to be looked down upon,” he said.

  • Joe took the position when it was offered and soon discovered that he should’ve paid more attention to those red flags. It turned out to be one of the most mundane positions he ever held. “It was cubicle work, I wasn’t challenged, and I wasn’t happy,” he said.
  • The experience led him to quit and create his own company. Now on the other side of the fence, he creates a relaxed, conversational atmosphere and engages in a two-way dialogue to make sure candidates know exactly what kind of manager he’ll be.

Case Study #2: Do your homework

Stephanie Jones (not her real name) was looking for a new job after spending two years out of the workforce to be with her newborn.  She wanted to work in an entirely new field for her: social media.  She hadn’t been searching for very long when she found the perfect opportunity with a national marketing company.

  • At the end of her first interview, she felt uneasy. Although she had performed well, her potential boss hadn’t answered an important question.  “When I asked him about the previous person in the position, he glossed over his response,” says Stephanie.  “I brushed it off because the next day I was offered a second interview.”
  • The second interview went off without any red flags, but afterward Stephanie decided to do some research. She searched for employees of the company using LinkedIn.  After a little digging, she noticed a couple of former employees had short tenures in the same department she was hoping to work in.  Stephanie sent messages to all three, and one of them responded.  “It turns out this manager was a nightmare to work for,” she says.  “Although he was hard on everyone in general, he had a tendency to be harder on women than men.”

When a company representative called to offer her the job a week later, she had to decline. Although it was a hard decision, it paid off. “I now do contract work for the same company. I’ve been working with the company for about three years now, and in that time, the position I initially applied for has been vacated and filled at least once a year,” she says.

Posted in General Musings | 1 Comment

Hope and Change: The 2020 Edition

This appeared in today’s City Journal and has been sent around via Twitter. It captures my thinking during these stupid times. It was written by Glenn Loury, the Merton P. Stoltz Professor of the Social Sciences in the Department of Economics at Brown University. I will be posting this to my Blog before (a) my blog is taken down for not being “woke” enough (yes, apparently hosting services are now going around and checking), (b) it is censored by the Gods of Twitter and lost forever, and (c) my voice, come November, is completely drowned out (I am gasping for air as it is). At present, I am disgusted by what is happening in my country.

No, wait. I must admit that my sense now is that it is no longer “my” country as I might have otherwise defined it, as an abiding sense of common purpose and project. I feel absolutely no affinity with at least half the populace who are now fully in favor of dismantling a system that was the only hope for the world. I carry no common cause with the placard-carrying “protesters” even here in Little Old Laramie, much less the rioters in the bigger cities. I cannot comprehend the building rhetoric around “defunding the police” that (not surprisingly) Hillary Clinton and others have co-opted. I am beyond flummoxed that a mere utterance of “all lives matter” would get me shunned, if not unemployed (witness the NBC Sportscaster who suffered that fate). I have witnessed an addled citizenry of sheeple who blithely gave up their civil liberties in the face of a bad cold (COVID19).

No, this is not the country I grew up in.

So here it is. He wrote …

Last week, in the aftermath of the national fury that has erupted, and continues, over the apparent killing by a Minneapolis police officer of a black man, George Floyd, while he was being taken into custody, a letter appeared in my inbox from Christina H. Paxson, president of Brown University, where I teach. The letter, sent to thousands of students, staff, and faculty, was cosigned by many of Brown’s senior administrators and deans.

We write to you today as leaders of this university,” the letter begins, “to express first deep sadness, but also anger, regarding the racist incidents that continue to cut short the lives of black people every day.

It continues:

The sadness comes from knowing that this is not a mere moment for our country. This is historical, lasting and persistent. Structures of power, deep-rooted histories of oppression, as well as prejudice, outright bigotry and hate, directly and personally affect the lives of millions of people in this nation every minute and every hour. Black people continue to live in fear for themselves, their children and their communities, at times in fear of the very systems and structures that are supposed to be in place to ensure safety and justice.

I found the letter deeply disturbing, and was moved to compose the following response, which I shared with a colleague. I’m happy now to share it as well with City Journal’s readership.

Dear ____:

I was disturbed by the letter from Brown’s senior administration. It was obviously the product of a committee—Professors XX and YY, or someone of similar sensibility, wrote a manifesto, to which the president and senior administrative leadership have dutifully affixed their names.

I wondered why such a proclamation was necessary. Either it affirmed platitudes to which we can all subscribe, or, more menacingly, it asserted controversial and arguable positions as though they were axiomatic certainties. It trafficked in the social-justice warriors’ pedantic language and sophomoric nostrums. It invoked “race” gratuitously and unreflectively at every turn. It often presumed what remains to be established. It often elided pertinent differences between the many instances cited. It read in part like a loyalty oath. It declares in every paragraph: “We Hold These Truths to Be Self-Evident.”

And just what truths are these? Well, the main one is this, that racial domination and “white supremacy” define our national existence even now, a century and a half after the end of slavery.

I deeply resented the letter. First of all, what makes an administrator (even a highly paid one, with an exalted title) a “leader” of this university? We, the faculty, are the only “leaders” worthy of mention when it comes to the realm of ideas. Who cares what some paper-pushing apparatchik thinks? It’s all a bit creepy and unsettling.

Why must this university’s senior administration declare, on behalf of the institution as a whole and with one voice, that they unanimously—without any subtle differences of emphasis or nuance—interpret contentious current events through a single lens?

They write sentences such as this: “We have been here before, and in fact have never left.”

Really? This is nothing but propaganda. Is it supposed to be self-evident that every death of an “unarmed black man” at the hands of a white person tells the same story?

They speak of “deep-rooted systems of oppression; legacies of hate.” No elaboration required here? No specification of where Brown might stand within such a system? No nuance or complexity?

Is it obvious that “hate”—as opposed to incompetence, or fear, or cruelty, or poor training, or lack of accountability, or a brutal police culture, or panic, or malfeasance—is what we observed in Minneapolis?

We are called upon to “effect change.” Change from what to what, exactly?

Evidently, we’re now all charged to promote the policy agenda of the “progressive” wing of American politics*. Is this what a university is supposed to be doing?

[Russo Note: what he is saying here is simply that, come November, we must “change” out from a Republican President to a Democrat. In other words, Brown University is now “in the tank” for a Dem President. Well, we went through “hope and change” with Obama (a black man) for 8 years. What “change” did he effect?]

I must object. This is no reasoned ethical reflection. Rather, it is indoctrination, virtue-signaling, and the transparent currying of favor with our charges (read: students, who might otherwise burn down building). The roster of Brown’s “leaders” who in lockstep signed this manifesto remind me of a Soviet Politburo making some party-line declaration. I can only assume that the point here is to forestall any student protests by declaring the university to be on the Right Side of History.

What I found most alarming, though, is that no voice was given to what one might have thought would be a university’s principal intellectual contribution to the national debate at this critical moment: namely, to affirm the primacy of reason over violence in calibrating our reactions to the supposed “oppression.”

Equally troubling were our president’s promises to focus the university’s instructional and research resources on “fighting for social justice” around the world, without any mention of the problematic and ambiguous character of those movements which, over the past two centuries or more, have self-consciously defined themselves in just such terms—from the French and Russian Revolutions through the upheavals of the 1960s.

My bottom line: I’m offended by the letter. It frightens, saddens, and angers me.

Sincerely,

Glenn

 

 

Posted in General Musings, State of the Nation | Comments Off on Hope and Change: The 2020 Edition