Fair Fighting Rules

I am often asked, “What is fair in the fights my husband and I have?”

Let’s face it, every invention of man must carry some rules to help define it. Think of the operating manuals you get with the coffee maker or the new 60-inch Samsung flat screen, your new lawn edger, or even the iPhone X. Every organization, every sport, every endeavor we care to be a part of seems to have its own set of rules. They define the boundaries, of what is fair and unfair, expected and not expected, and render operations as somewhat more predictable.

In short, rules provide safety and structure. They ensure, or at least make it somewhat possible, for all participants to know what the hell is going on, to strategize, and to (ahem) resolve disagreements.

This applies to marriages as much as it applies to football or basketball or to how you would probably not use your iPhone to edge your lawn (although that cannot be too far off in the future!). Resolving conflict in marriages is hard work, complex, and sorely in need of an owner’s manual (they do exist, by the way – just check Amazon). Without rules, such resolution is fleeting and sure to be short-lived if achieved at all.

As the great therapist Nathan Cobb has said …

… conflict does not have to be unsafe, unpredictable and without purpose. When spouses are committed to following a set of rules, conflict can be an opportunity for couples to grow their “cooperation muscles.” Handling conflict constructively can even help couples develop greater closeness through achieving mutual understanding, learning to cooperate, taking each other’s perspective, and resolving problems together.

This post will outline ten rules for fair fighting. I would encourage you to print them out and put them up on the refrigerator. And then, refer to them every time conflict looms like a thundercloud.

  1. No degrading language. Degradation occurs when we engage in name-calling, in insults, put-downs, and even swearing. When you are name-calling, you are eliciting in your partner the “fight or flight response.” It is a call to arms, a call to do whatever they need to do to protect themselves. Moreover, it is a function of attacking the sinner rather than the sin; of degrading the person rather than their behavior. It can and often does leave scar tissue.
  2.  No blaming. Think about it: blaming is a distraction and distances you from resolution. It is yet another invitation for your partner to engage in defensive talk and will surely escalate, rather than deescalate, the argument. It may feel good for a moment, but it too leaves scar tissue. It may even touch deep-seated fears that the other person may have about themselves. It is a close cousin to judgment, another of the results of putting the blame on someone else. Instead, I would invite you to stay focused on the relationship and to endeavor to keep it intact at all costs, and to find solutions rather than culprits.
  3.  No yelling. If you are a teacher, then you know that yelling at your students is counter productive. They stop listening and they start reacting. The conversation, such as it was, is shut down. And, again, it may touch some deep-seated pain associated with raised voices. The bottom line is the message: if it cannot be delivered without yelling, then it is probably not the right message. Make a concerted effort to lower your voice. We know from research and just plain old common sense, that a lowered voice invites listeners into the conversation rather than shutting them out. And if you cannot lower your voice, then it’s clear that ‘now’ is the not the right time to be discussing the matter.
  4. No use of force. The threat of physical force, and the use of physical force itself, is at all times unacceptable. Period. Full stop. It accomplishes nothing except to render the relationship then, and into the foreseeable future, as an unsafe space. Even punching a hole in the stucco, or kicking the cat, will send that message. Each of us, especially in marriage, have a right to safety, to a home free of physical abuse. As with raised voices, I would suggest you remove yourself and go somewhere to cool down. You can have a fair fight without force. If you feel as if you cannot, then call and schedule a session with me.
  5. No talk of divorce or dissolution. Now we are into the manipulation that so many of us fear. We are talking here of “conditional love,” of the idea that it is “my way or the highway.” A threat such as that elicits in our partners deep-seated fears of abandonment and suggests a certain immaturity on the part of the other. It erodes trust. And it sorta sends the message that the problem is big, huge, and irresolvable. It isn’t.
  6. Talk about YOUR needs and wants, not your partner’s. As my couples clients will attest, one of the first questions I ask them when they present for couples therapy is: “Whose behavior can you control?” The answer is never anything but, “my own.” Instructing your partner on what THEY should want or need is patronizing, controlling, presumptuous and, frankly, immature. THEY get to decide what they want and need. Moreover, it is the epitome of wasted energy in a relationship to spend time analyzing your partner. In the alternative, spend the energy identifying your own wants, your unmet needs, and on constructing the approach to the matter (whatever it may be). YOU are the expert in YOUR world and no one else’s.
  7. Stay in the present, always. Resist the temptation to go back in time. At base, it is discouraging to be reminded of past transgression, especially when we have worked hard to resolve them, to make amends for them, and to grow from them. Besides, you cannot change the past! You can only change your behavior and contribute to a better today and tomorrow. Moreover, if you are forever dredging the past, the chances are that the past conflict was never satisfactorily resolved. Get therapy. And remember to discuss issues as they happen rather than allowing them to fester.
  8. Take turns speaking. One of my teachers from elementary school would calm an unruly class by reminding everyone that she had a “talking stick” and wasn’t afraid to use it. Her rule was simple: one speaker at a time. And, in a marriage, that means one listener at a time. Think of how frustrating it is to you to have someone forever interrupting you or talking on top of you. Remember that feeling and apply it to fair marital fights. Oh, and don’t go using your “listening time” to compose your come-back, your rebuttal. REALLY LISTEN.
  9. No stonewalling. This means being present in the moment, being committed to a resolution, and earnestly remaining committed to NOT kicking the can down the road. “Not now, honey,” is not a good refrain. There is no better time than now.
  10. And finally, if you need to, take a time-out. Think here of football and the battle that rages on the gridiron. Things are getting fired up, the teams are really engaged and hammering away, and then … the coach calls a time-out. WTF? Well, he (or she) may be seeing something you are not. He may be seeing too much passion and not enough discipline. By slowing things down, the coach is saying, “OK, we need to refocus. We need to keep a larger picture in mind. “If you find yourself violating any of the rules above, then it is time for a time-out. Pure and simple. You have lost sight of the goal. You have lost perspective. How long? Well, 30 minutes is good. It takes at least that long to return the body’s metabolism from “fight” to normal. It takes at least that long to lose the urge to react rather than respond. Thirty minutes, an hour, two hours, but never more than 24 hours. And, yes, it is dangerous to go to bed mad.

In conclusion, remember this: many partners grew up in households, in so-called families-of-origin, where yelling, blaming, name-calling and finger wagging was the norm. The fact is – no one “wins” such arguments. Not then, not now.

Or as my grandma used to say, “don’t fight like a pig in the mud. Everyone gets dirty and the pig loves it.”

 

Posted in Counseling Concepts, General Musings | 2 Comments

Therapeutic Journaling

I have kept journals over the years. At times, I called them My Management Journal, then later, My Daily Record of Events. My inspiration was no less than good old Benjamin Franklin who maintained what he called his Virtues: Daily Record and Journal. Suffice to say that journaling has been a big part of my life since I first started my careers (first in business as a manager, then later as a mental health professional).

I first used them to record both hits and misses as a businessperson, with the objective of learning (mostly from my mistakes and bad decisions). Later I would use them to write out my goals and plans to achieve them. I’ve evolved to using journaling as an avenue to become more self-aware.

By this process, progress in life takes on a certain kind of animation and allows you to “look back” on where you’ve been. You can discern trends and themes, both of which can help you to adjust course going forward. This helps lock in the necessary identity shifts for long-term change and it acts to navigate the eventual obstacles that pop up.

That’s why today I want to share an evidence-based journaling practice that’s been shown to improve life along several dimensions, including lung function in asthma patients, immune responsiveness, pain alleviation, and sleep improvement.

The great thing about it is that it’s zero cost. An even better aspect is that it could change your life.

Therapeutic Journaling is what I recommend to my life coaching clients. Years ago, it was recommended to me and was beyond useful in helping me to make it through the chaos we call like. Created by renowned scientist Dr. James Pennebaker, therapeutic journaling involves these steps:

  • You pick an emotionally triggering event in your life. This could be positive or negative, so be sure to give equal weight to both.
  • Then sit down and write down every thought about that event for 15-20 minutes. Use a pen or type this on digital. The key is to not stop to think. Just keep writing.
  • Write for yourself. No one will see this.
  • Do this for either 4 days straight or once a week for 4 weeks. The results will be the same.
  • If an event is still too upsetting to write about then don’t write about it until your emotions have died down. In the meantime, pick another event to write about.
  • After you’re done with this process look at what you’ve written.

When traumatic events occur, we are often not able to process what happened and the event can become stuck in our memory. This type of journaling works because emotional expression is good for our health and can enhance our immune system. By expressing our thoughts on paper, we can move forward by letting go of the feelings involved.

Recently, the University of Wisconsin (another “UW” but not the one I am affiliated with, that one being the University of Wyoming) published an article on the process, which I am happy to share with you now.

What Is Therapeutic Journaling?

Therapeutic journaling is the process of writing down our thoughts and feelings about our personal experiences. This kind of private reflection allows us to sort through events that have occurred and problems that we may be struggling with. It allows us to come to a deeper understanding about ourselves, with a different perspective on these difficulties.

Therapeutic journaling differs from more traditional diary writing, which involves recording the details of daily events. In contrast, therapeutic journaling is an internal process of using the written word to express the full range of emotions, reactions and perceptions we have related to difficult, upsetting, or traumatic life events. Along the way, this can mean writing ourselves to better emotional and physical health and a greater sense of well-being.

Therapeutic journaling can be done by keeping a regular journal to write about events that bring up anger, grief, anxiety, or joy that occur in daily life. It can also be used more therapeutically to deal with specific upsetting, stressful, or traumatic life events.

An expressive writing protocol developed by Dr. James Pennebaker is the most widely used and researched method utilized in clinical practice. This writing protocol has been linked to improvements in both physical and psychological health. It has been used in non-clinical and clinical populations.

The expressive writing protocol consists of asking someone to write about a stressful, traumatic or emotional experience for three to five sessions, over four consecutive days, for 15-20 minutes per session. Research has found it to be useful as a stand-alone tool or as an adjunct to traditional psychotherapies.

How It Works

Emotional expression has been found to be good for our health. It enhances our immune system functioning. When upsetting or traumatic events occur, we often are not able to fully process what happened, and the event and the emotions around what occurred become stuck in our memory. The simple act of expressing thoughts and feelings on paper about challenging and upsetting events can allow us to move forward by expressing and letting go of the feelings involved.

Expressive writing also provides an opportunity to construct a meaningful personal narrative about what happened. It brings clarity and enables us to place our experience into the context of our larger place in the world.

Over the past 25 years, a growing body of research has demonstrated the beneficial effects that writing about traumatic or stressful events has on physical and emotional health. Dr. Pennebaker, one of the first researchers in this area, found that writing about emotionally difficult events or feelings for just 20 minutes at a time over four consecutive days was associated with both short-term increases in physiological arousal and long-term decreases in integrative health problems, such as immune system functioning.

One study, a meta-analysis of 13 studies of written emotional expression with healthy participants, found specific benefits in objective or self-reported physical health, psychological well-being, physiological functioning, and general functioning outcomes.

In another meta-analysis of nine studies on written emotional disclosure on clinical populations and found significant benefit for health outcomes in medically ill populations but did not find any psychological health outcomes in psychiatric populations.

Expressive writing has been found to produce significant benefits for individuals with a variety of medical conditions including:

  • Lung functioning in asthma
  • Disease severity in rheumatoid arthritis
  • Pain and physical health in cancer
  • Immune response in HIV infection
  • Hospitalizations for cystic fibrosis
  • Pain intensity in women with chronic pelvic pain
  • Sleep-onset latency in poor sleepers.
  • Post-operative course

In addition, it can be helpful for assistance with specific life circumstances, including:

  • Relationship break-ups
  • Death of a loved one
  • Unemployment
  • Natural disaster
  • General stressful events (aka, life in general)

In 2012, researchers conducted a meta-analysis investigating the efficacy of expressive writing for treatment of posttraumatic stress conditions (e.g. acute stress disorder and PTSD) and comorbid depressive symptoms. It resulted in significant and substantial short-term reductions in posttraumatic stress and depressive symptoms. There was no difference in efficacy between writing therapy and trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy. The effects of written emotional expression are substantial and similar in magnitude to the effects of other psychological interventions, many of which can be time consuming and expensive. Expressive writing can therefore be considered an evidence-based treatment for posttraumatic stress and constitutes a useful treatment alternative for patients who do not respond to other evidence-based therapies. It may be especially useful for reaching trauma survivors in need of evidence-based mental health care who live in remote areas.

Therapeutic journaling can also be a way to reach people who are unwilling or unable to engage in psychotherapy.

Therapeutic Journaling Instructions

This writing exercise is useful for dealing with emotional upheavals or traumas. It is a four-day writing program that has proven effective for improving mental and physical health. It is best to do your writing in a meaningful place, time, and atmosphere, so think about finding a location where you will be undisturbed by others, your phone, e-mail, etc.

It is important to think about what your writing topic will be. You might pick an emotionally upsetting event that is bothering you. If you have faced a massive trauma, it is best not to write about it for several weeks afterwards, as it may be too difficult to deal with some of the emotions that arise around what happened.

Trust where your writing takes you. You might start writing about a traumatic experience and then find yourself writing about something entirely different.

For the next four days, please write about an emotionally upsetting or traumatic event that has had a strong impact on you. During your writing, you are encouraged to explore your deepest emotions and thoughts about this difficult life experience. As you write about this topic, you might tie it to your relationships with others. You may relate it to your past, present, or future, or you may connect it with who you may have been, who you would like to be, or who you are now.

You may write about the same general issues or experiences on all days of writing, or you may choose to write about different topics each day.

Keep in mind these few simple guidelines recommended by Pennebaker:

  • Writing topic. You can write about the same event all four days or different events each day. What you choose to write about should be something that is extremely personal and important for you.
  • Length and frequency. Write for 15-20 minutes each day for four consecutive days if you can. It is a bit more effective than writing four days over the course of several weeks.
  • Write continuously. Once you begin writing, write continuously without stopping. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. If you run out of things to say, simply repeat what you have already written. Keep writing about the topic until the time is up.
  • Write only for yourself. You are writing for yourself and no one else. After you complete the expressive writing exercise, you may want to destroy or hide what you have written. Remember this writing can be for your eyes only.
  • What to avoid. If you feel that you cannot write about a particular event because it would be too upsetting, then don’t write about it. Just write about events or situations that you can handle now.
  • What to expect. It is common for people to feel somewhat saddened or depressed after writing, especially on the first day or two. Know that this is completely normal, if this happens to you. Typically, the feeling usually lasts just a few minutes or a few hours. It is a good idea to plan some time to yourself after your writing session to reflect on the issues you have been writing about and support yourself in any emotions that come up.
  • Considerations. Writing about the same topic day after day for too many days is not helpful. If, after several sessions, you feel you are not making progress, then you might need to stop and contact a health care practitioner.
  • When to discontinue the journaling exercise. Writing exercises aren’t for everyone. If the writing exercise evokes strong feelings that you cannot cope with, stop immediately and do something soothing for yourself. Experiencing symptoms of hypervigilance, stress or distress are signals to discontinue this journaling exercise immediately. Take care of yourself by doing something like practice diaphragmatic breathing, reach out to a friend or loved one, or go for a walk to center and calm yourself. If you experience lingering negative feelings, you might benefit some additional help. It is recommended to seek the professional advice of a psychologist, counselor, or physician to discuss these feelings and experiences.

References

Baikie, K., Wilhelm, K. (2005). Emotional and physical health benefits of expressive writing. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment 11(5)

Batten, S., Follette, V., Hall, M., & Palm, K. (2003). Physical and psychological effects of written disclosure among sexual abuse survivors. Behavior Therapy 33(1)

Frisina, P., Borod, J., & Lepore, S. (2004). A meta-analysis of the effects of written emotional disclosure on the health outcomes of clinical populations. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease 92(9)

Kovac, S., Range, L. (2000). Writing projects: lessening undergraduates’ unique suicidal bereavement. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior 30(1)

Lepore, S., Greenberg, M. (2002). Mending broken hearts: effects of expressive writing on mood, cognitive processing, social adjustment and health following a relationship breakup. Psychology & Health 17(5)

Niles, A., Haltom, K., Mulvenna, C., Lieberman, M., & Stanton, A. (2014). Randomized controlled trial of expressive writing for psychological and physical health: the moderating role of emotional expressivity. anxiety, stress, and coping. doi:10.1080/10615806.2013.802308

Pennebaker, J. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science 8(3)

Pennebaker, J. (2004). From Writing to Heal: A Guided Journal for Recovering from Trauma & Emotional Upheaval. New Harbinger Publications; Distributed in Canada by Raincoats Books.

Richards, J., Beal, W., Seagal, J., & Pennebaker, J. (2000). Effects of disclosure of traumatic events on illness behavior among psychiatric prison inmates. Journal of Abnormal Psychology 109(1)

Schoutrop, M., Lange, A., Hanewald, G., Davidovich, U., & Salomon, H. (2002). Structured writing and processing major stressful events: a controlled trial. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics 71(3)

Smyth, J. (1998) Written emotional expression: effect sizes, outcome types, and moderating variables. Journal of Consultative Clinical Psychology 66(1)

Smyth, J., Hockemeyer, J., Anderson, C. (2002). Structured writing about a natural disaster buffers the effect of intrusive thoughts on negative affect and physical symptoms. The Australasian Journal of Disaster and Trauma Studies.

Spera, S., Buhrfeind, E., Pennebaker, J. (1994). Expressive writing and coping with job loss. Academy of Management Journal 37(3)

van Emmerik, A., Reijntjes, A., & Kamphuis, J. (2013). Writing therapy for posttraumatic stress: a meta-analysis. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics 82(2)

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Fix the Problem

Often, we find ourselves in a mess. We’ve had a bad breakup, lost a job, been reprimanded by a boss, received a poor grade on an assignment, or … whatever. As I work in my practice as a life coach (and more recently, as an Academic Coach), I am increasingly drawn to a very directive approach which stresses active problem solving.

Let me explain.

Years ago, in a movie starring Michael Douglas entitled Disclosure, there was a mystery character who communicated with Douglas’ character via email only. Side Note: The movie was remarkably prescient: It is easily 30 years old (maybe older), yet it foresaw the ubiquity of email, the development of AR goggles like those being introduced by Meta and Apple, and the terrible things that can happen to people when they forget their morals.

Anyway, that character, whom we never see, keeps telling Douglas’s character (who was in trouble with some terrible people in his company) to “fix the problem.” He wondered, “who the hell is this and precisely what problem do they think I need to fix??”

He was frustrated. He would go around trying to understand the forces allied against him and to fix what he ‘thought’ was the “problem.” Yet at the end of each attempt, he would get an email from this mystery person that said, simply, “you came closer but failed. Fix the problem!”

Long story short – ultimately, he discovered the problem and fixed it.

Years ago, a guy named Maslow studied what motivated people in clearly terrible circumstances to try and better their lots in life. He wanted to understand, for example, why people in clearly terrible circumstances – say, abject poverty – were nonetheless happy with their lives. Conversely, he wanted to understand why people in fantastically great circumstances were equally UNHAPPY with their lives. Why the difference?

Ultimately, while Maslow didn’t “solve” the problem, he nonetheless began to understand human nature a lot more. He arrived what we now call the Theory of Motivation. That theory is usually shown as a pyramid or “hierarchy” of needs:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turns out, people who have …

  • their most basic needs met (the so-called Physiological needs); and,
  • their everyday security needs met; and,
  • who love someone and are loved by someone (the Love/Belonging rung of the ladder); and,
  • who actually like themselves and are liked by others (Esteemed) …

… are able to arrive at what he called ‘self-actualization.’

I call that last rung of the ladder, “contentment.”

As I encounter people in my practice who are forever unhappy with their lives I try to understand where on the hierarchy things have gone awry. Often, the problem begins on the bottom.

Those people have not attended to the most basic of needs and for whatever reason are unwilling or unable to “fix the problem.” In other words, everything above the bottom rung is immaterial if we are forever fighting ourselves or others for the most basic needs in life.

They may have friends in life, yes. They may have a safe place to live, and they may even kinda like themselves. But …

… they are forever pulled back down because they haven’t attended to the basics of life.

In many cases the “fix” is simple. Take for example, not having reliable transportation to get to the job that provides the money for the house they live in or the food they eat. Perhaps they get fired for perpetual tardiness or absence.

Or, by way of another example, they don’t get enough sleep because they are worried about, well, having reliable transportation to get to work and thereby avoiding getting fired.

Maybe they haven’t attended to the basic disciplines in life, like self-care and routine dental appointments. Or maybe they refuse to alter their diets to lose weight and to be more agile in their work.

You can see where this goes.

I try and take my clients to that bottom rung and ask, “what problem at a most basic level are you refusing to fix?”

Back to the movie, Disclosure. To quote that anonymous emailer, I say to my clients, “Fix the problem.”

Once we have attended to our most basic needs, we are able to move solidly up the pyramid.

If you are forever swimming upstream in matters of, say, love and belonging, then the “fix” is simple: Try fishing from a different rock. Perhaps you keep attracting the same kind of love interest who ultimately dumps you. Yet, you go back to the same rock, drop the same bait, and then catch the same damn type of fish. Change the rock you’re fishing from; Fix the problem.

If you’ve been fired because of recurring lateness or absences due to not having reliable transportation yet continue to believe that your car will start again in the morning (when it won’t), then it is time to … fix the problem. Get a different, more reliable car.

How about this: You keep getting poor grades on tests, yet you persist in cramming the night before. Here’s a thought: Fix the problem. Start studying the first day of the semester and do not let up. Problem fixed.


Maybe I am getting cranky in my old age, but I gotta say … it is increasingly easy for me to be very direct in my approach.

I will often say, “Enough already! Fix the problem! You’re an adult, dammit. Fix the problem and propel yourself forward!”

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Your Relationship Just Ended – Now What?

 

 

 

 

 

In my work as a therapist and as a Life Coach (more the latter), I work with clients suffering through unsatisfying or deteriorating (or broken) relationships. My own belief is that much of the tumult we experience in life is only tumultuous because of problems at home. There’s an old adage that holds: Solve the problems at home, create a strong and loving union there, and you can handle almost anything the universe throws your way.

The ending of a love relationship is a devastating experience. The life you once shared is turned upside down. Breaking your life apart means separating all that you had (or “thought” you had) together. The loss of identity as a couple, feelings of failure, anxiety, and despair over the loss of the commitment and security the relationship provided rush to the forefront.

Our most intimate relationships inform us about ourselves and often shape who we are and who we are to become. Loss can be felt on so many levels: physically—the loss of the person you love; emotionally—the loss of the commitment to and reliance on the attachment to this person; and psychologically—the loss of self-esteem and well-being as you are returned to living life by and for yourself. And then there’s the loss of all the hopes and dreams for your future together.

When a love relationship ends, we are suddenly alone, often feeling as if an essential part of ourselves has been cut off. But, when we can face what lies ahead and to work through this devastating loss, we can draw upon inner resources to help facilitate the process of loss, separation, and adaptation to a new way of being.

What do you do when your love leaves your life? How do you start the difficult work of beginning over again and moving forward into an uncertain future?

  1. What is, is.

You made a sound decision. You thought about it for months if not years. Therefore, accept what happens as it unfolds. The ending of an intimate relationship can be chaotic. There are no rules for how to separate, for how to feel at any given moment. It’s mostly ad-lib. Suspend any expectation of what “should” happen and how you’re “supposed” to feel because it may change moment to moment. Allow yourself to grieve. The process of grieving is not linear but rather a cyclic one. Grief will come in waves. Even with progress, you may find yourself back at square one. That’s normal for grief. The goal is to find your way to your own life, back to yourself.

  1. Feel your feelings.

You will experience many different emotions—grief, hurt, sadness, resentment, anger, despair, and fear. Let them wash over you. Let them drench you. After all, someone you once loved and depended upon, and may even still do and want to, disappointed you. The ending of your relationship may feel like a death. It may take a very long time to understand everything that happened, to process all the emotions, and to move on in the best possible way.

  1. Keep moving forward.

The idea is to move through and beyond your loss and to come out whole on the other side. Your life has meaning beyond your relationship. Once you’ve worked through the experience of loss you will be capable and ready to rejoin life with a new sense of future.

It’s essential to keep going with the routine of your daily life. That will give you a sense of structure and ground you in your environment and immediate life. Remember that things may not make sense to you; that everything you knew in the relationship will feel different than it was.

  1. Don’t take radical action.

The desire to rapidly move away from the drama-trauma of your loss may not be that unusual. The thought may be that if something you were so sure of failed, that life didn’t turn out the way you had thought it would and counted on, then why not try something new and different. But that will just fill the hole of your longing. Make changes slowly, deliberately, and after much thought about the outcome and consequences. No big life changes should be undertaken until most of the dust has settled and emotions have been dealt with. The time to begin to move forward, to act, is after the fog has lifted and you can see things more clearly.

  1. You come first.

If you learn nothing else, the most important thing is … you. That must always be your No. 1 priority. Most of us tend to want to accommodate and please the one we love. Often, that’s at our own expense. Many people bend over backward for their loved one, often neglecting their own needs and desires, and sometimes even totally losing sight of who they are and what they need. The strength of a really good relationship lies in the equal collaboration of both partners.

I have always spoken of how good relationships should resemble the letter “A” with both partners leaning into each other in equal measure. Accommodation is fine, provided it comes in equal measure. You don’t lose “you” just because you are in a relationship. And the other person doesn’t lose themselves either. You bring the complete “you” to a relationship and should expect the same of the other person. In other words, you complete you.

  1. Take care of yourself.

This may not be what you feel like doing. The ending of a relationship may find you feeling totally rejected, dejected, and unloved. Don’t neglect your health and appearance. You may wonder why you need to bother caring for yourself, but you do. It’s essential to message yourself whether you believe it or not, that you are a worthwhile person, that you are deserving of respect, that you are lovable and loved. And that starts with loving yourself.

Don’t allow yourself to slide into unhealthy coping mechanisms. Don’t self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, food, or anything else for that matter, which will only distract and numb you. This behavior disrupts the grieving process, may spiral out of control, may delay the healing process, and may prevent you from moving forward in your life. Far better to feel the feelings, regardless of how painful they are, and work through them.

  1. Learn from your experience.

It’s often difficult, even painful to examine our behavior and our responsibility, but ultimately, it’s this introspection and insight gained that makes us more honest to and for ourselves. Did you and your loved one just simply grow apart? What part did you play in making the relationship what it was? Were you realistic about what you expected from the relationship? What would you do differently in retrospect? What will you do differently in the future?

Often when we choose a partner/lover, it is not always for the right reasons. There are often issues and problems we don’t want to see. Love sometimes blinds us to what is really there. There are many reasons for wanting to be in a relationship with a particular person. Sometimes it’s about dependency, or feeling complete with another, or because we believe there can be no one else. These are simply not good enough reasons. Ultimately, it’s about mutual respect, caring, support, empathy, and shared values and goals. Each of us comes to the relationship as a whole person that wants to share a life with another whole person.

Think “A.”

 

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Organize a Mastermind Group: Surrounding Ourselves with Life-Givers, not Life-Suckers

MastermindsThis is adapted from Living for Monday, a neat little blog should you ever have occasion to want to, well, live for Mondays. Plus, it was taken from my learnings as a TEC Chair in South Australia, for which I owe both Jerry Kleeman and Adrian Geering a huge debt of gratitude.

 

Here we go:

Often, among the first questions that I will ask a coaching client is this: “What is it that holds you back from creating purpose and fulfillment in your life?” If the answer is not forthcoming, I will often table the issue, with the client’s permission and vow to come back to it again and again in future sessions.  Among the more immediate responses are the ones you’d expect: I need more money. More time. The right ideas. The most common answer I get is this: I guess I don’t have enough of the right people in my life.

The Eagle and Child pub is similar to many other pubs in Oxford. Located near the University of Oxford, it is the quintessential English pub, precisely as you might expect it:  Dimly lit, smelling of old beer (but in a good way, with beer served beer at room temperature; the English don’t drink it any other way).  Naturally, they have fish and chips along with other pub food.  By all accounts, it’s just another common place (a ye’old public place, as it were) in one of the greatest college towns in the world. Except for one thing:

You see, in the 1930s and 1940s, a very special group used space in The Eagle and Child to challenge and support one another while offering criticism on their best work. And in the beginning of their time together, in the middle, and at the end, they managed as well to have a jolly good time together.  You’ve heard of these guys: J.R.R Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams, and several others. They had formed a group called The Inklings, who used the pub as one of several locations for their “mastermind meetings.” Whether directly or indirectly, this group pushed each member to create their best possible work. They pushed one another to reach their full potential and hone their writing to make it the best in the world.

300px-Eagle_and_Child_(interior)

The interior of The Eagle and Child pub in Oxford

While the 1930s may seem like a lifetime ago (two lifetimes, to be exact) and the members of The Inklings may seem larger than life (they were), this group formed the perfect case-study for why so many of my clients (and friends) identify “finding the right people” as the single greatest factor holding them back from purpose and fulfillment.

Surround Yourself with Remarkable People

When Cindy and I were first engaged, we attended something called “Engagement Encounter,” a three-day retreat hosted by the Catholic Church. During the course of that weekend, we learned about how to keep our marriage away from life-suckers, those people determined to bring us down, and to surround our marriage with life-givers. It was one of the most profound lessons of my life. We have tried to observe it ever since.

Deep down, we all want to be pushed. We want to be challenged to put our best work into the world. We want to be understood, supported, listened to, encouraged, called out, and loved by people that care about us. We want life-givers in our lives. At base, we want to be the average of five incredible people whom we constantly surround ourselves with. We want these things, and yet so many of us lack the right people in our lives to make it happen.

The problem is that our early relationships are largely a function of location. We go to high school with the people who live in our neighborhood. We go to college with the people admissions officers decide are qualified to be in our class. We commence our careers based on incomplete information (I sure did) and a general lack of direction upon graduating from college. And one day we wake up realizing that the people we spend the most time with are not necessarily the ones that we want to be influenced by.

That’s a scary realization. Life cannot be that chancy, can it?  For a period of time, we wander around lost in thought trying to understand the alternatives. Eventually, we reach a decision point. We will ask ourselves: Do I settle into a life of complacency and empty dreaming? Or do I do something about my dreams and find the people who will help me reach them?

What Exactly is a Mastermind Group?

A mastermind group is a collection of 4-8 creative individuals who meet on a regular basis to help one another reach their fullest potential.

I think that’s a great definition in that it allows for the flexibility to fit most people’s needs.

To get a mastermind group together, you’ll have to find 3-7 other people who will be as committed and dependable as you. They’ll need to be creative, which simply means they’re dedicated to achieving their dreams (and yours) through creative problem solving, goal setting, and accountability. Finally, everyone in the group needs to be willing to meet on a regular basis.

This sounds simple enough, but there’s much more to it than just a common definition. In fact, “mastermind” as a term was defined and popularized as long ago as 1937, when Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich was originally published. So, if the concept has been proven to help millionaires make their fortunes and it’s been around for several decades, why aren’t we all in a group yet?

The answer? Because it takes real work.

How to Form Your Own Group

Step One: Know What You Want (and need)

Answer three questions to begin with:

Who are you? Or, said another way, What aren’t you?

What do you want? Seriously, now, what do you really want?

When you’ve done this in the past, what did it feel like? I’ll bet it felt good.

The answers to those questions form the base of what you’ll want to capture in your group: mission and values, passion, strengths, vision, and mindset. By answering these questions before you get started with a mastermind group, you guarantee yourself that you’ll seek out the right people.

Who are you? There are four essential aspects of who you are that you’ll need to consider:

  • Purpose: Do you have a Mission Statement as a human being? If not, write one. Here’s mine:

    “On a mission to make it through – what, I don’t really know, but I would like to have done so having made a difference in the life of a child (my child), having been the best husband to my Cindy that I know how to be, having been a minimal burden to my society and additive to the American project; to have been a good neighbor; to love my Lord and His Word; to believe that although I have not always lived my life in such upstanding fashion,  at least I know of my transgressions and have said sorry whenever possible; to develop and maintain a solid, well-defined sense of right and wrong; to have been a mentor and a leader to the greatest number possible; to have made peace with the world; and, to have tried, thought probably not nearly enough, to check my anger.”

    As an aside, many great thinkers believe you should also have a list of core values, things over which you would never, ever compromise.  I have a list like that too, and it is critical that it be reviewed in conjunction with the mission statement as often as possible:

    * Asset Management, maintenance and enhancement: I take pride in ownership; things are better for having been under my care;
    * Physical accomplishment: I value, not nearly enough, physical exercise for itself; the value of movement.
    * The love of my wife and of my little girl: Because they have a need to love, and because I have a need to be loved.
    * Order, Quiet and Time Alone: I prefer stasis.
    * Weather and God’s Earth: I value seasons for what they offer as change. They affect the treadmills of life.
    * Leadership and service to others: Mean what you say and live an exemplary life. Be authentic.
    * Taking responsibility and Not Rolling Over: I do not shrink from responsibility for my actions; and I expect the same from others.
    * My life with Cindy: It has given my new wings. I can and do sleep like a baby most nights and can conceive of a future!
    * Ancaro Imparo: I love to learn and want to continue learning in the classic sense, for the rest of my life. Why ever else would I have gotten a doctorate at 59?
    * Civil Disobedience: I run red arrows, I never wait around like sheeple, and I question authority.

    Those are mine. You should come up with your own.

  • Passion: What are your interests? Which of your interests inspire you enough to become the best in the world? On what projects, topics, or interests do you spend most of your time?
  • Strengths: What are your innate talents and tendencies that you were born with? How do you do your best work? What are examples of situations in the past when you were at your best and how can you replicate those situations in the future?

Get to the bottom of each of these questions on some level before you try to setup a mastermind group. Without this information, it will be hard to know what type of people are most likely to align with who you are to help you reach your goals.

What do you want? Again, like knowing who you are, there are four essential levels on which you can consider what you want:

  • Vision: Your vision encompasses the complete picture of what you want your life to look like. It includes how you want family, friends, and colleagues to think about you when you reach the end of your life. Most importantly, it includes the aspects of what you consider to be a fulfilling, impactful life.
  • Long term goals: Your long term goals paint a picture of your next 10-25 years. How will you know you are on the path to a life of fulfillment and impact over that time-frame?
  • Short term goals: Over the next year, what do you need to accomplish or maintain in order to remain on track to reach your long term goals and life vision?
  • Key Performance Indicators: What daily, weekly, and monthly practices or habits will allow you to reach your short term goals?

Establishing a full breakdown of what you want (and, definitely, what you DON’T want) will help establish how your mastermind group can help you. Without a clear vision, it may be difficult to effectively use your group to your advantage.

 

Step Two: Seek Out People with Similar Goals and Experience Levels

thYou need to locate “your people” – aka, the people who will form the core of your mastermind group. This is partly an exercise in trial and error, as some people are likely to come and go from any group. However, the more intentional you can be at the beginning, the more likely you are to form a core group that stays together for many years, just like The Inklings, who met regularly for nearly 20 years!

 

 

You’re looking for people who have three key characteristics:

  • They seem to have answered the three questions.
  • They have similar goals to yours.
  • They have a similar experience level as you.

How can you find the people who will make up a great mastermind group? Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Attend “networking events” in your area. Have as many conversations as possible and take notes on the ones that are most interesting and engaging.
  • Attend conferences that have messaging and story lines that appeal to you.
  • Ask your mentors, family, friends, and close contacts for recommendations of people that meet the three key characteristics from above.
  • Search for blogs that seem to contain similar messaging, goals, and mindset as you.

Once you think you’ve found the right people, you’ll want to have conversations with each one of them over Skype or in person to see if they’ll actually be a good fit.

Step Three: Create Structure

Once you have a solid group of 3-7 other individuals, take some time to create a proposed structure. There are many formats that can work for these meetings, so you’ll have to try different things out, keep what you like, discard what you don’t. Based on experience, here are a couple of ideas for meeting structure that might work:

  • Have regular meetings, preferably every week or every other week.
  • Hold the meetings at one consistent time that works for each person in the group.
  • Expect each person to attend unless they tell the group ahead of time.
  • Meeting in person is best, by video chat is second best.
  • Set specific goals at the end of each meeting and write them down on a shareable document.
  • Give each person the opportunity to update the group on their progress as compared to their goals at the beginning of the meeting.
  • th (1)Use a talking stick – no one, and I mean NO ONE, gets to talk over another.
  • Each week, focus intently (20-30 minutes) on one person’s specific challenges or goals by offering feedback, advice, and criticism to help them create even better ideas or solutions.
  • Respecting a time limit usually means that more gets done, but if the group is crushing it on a particular problem by building creative solutions, then don’t stop the flow.
  • Coming prepared makes for a more productive meeting—send out reading or materials for which you want feedback ahead of time.

Remember to build the group collaboratively – everyone will take ownership if they feel as if they’ve been heard (which is one of my problems with my country these days – I feel like I no longer get heard on anything).

Step Four: Always have Compelling Conversations

Create compelling conversation during your mastermind meetings.

  • The Inklings had a really interesting practice: They would write pieces of literature or non-fiction and then read them aloud at the group meetings. The criticism and feedback in return was raw, and sometimes harsh, but always useful.
  • Craft annual plans at the beginning of each year (or every 12 months), ask for feedback, and check in every quarter or half year on progress. By stating your biggest goals for the year out loud, they immediately become more rule. By being held accountable for those goals, they become much more likely to be reached.
  • Create bucket lists or impossible lists that you read out loud to the group. This will allow the group to get to know each other better. It will also allow your peers to push you towards your real dreams rather than allowing you to settle for second-tier wishful thinking because you’re scared of failure.
  • Undertake common readings (books, periodicals, or blogs). You can take this in many different directions. You could spend the first 15 minutes of each meeting in a book club type format. You could pick one periodical or blog article per person per meeting and discuss them for the first 15 minutes.
  • Discuss real life case studies. Identify specific examples of excellent, inspiring performance within your industry or area of interest.
  • Conduct 30 minute “workshops.” If you get the right people for your group, each one will have a set of experiences and knowledge from which you will learn. Once per quarter, someone in the group should give a 30-minute workshop or walk through of a process or skill that has helped them reach their goals.
  • Get together in person once per year. Getting together in person changes everything, especially the dynamics of the relationships within your Group. Working relationships turn into friendships, and the creative ideas that come from the meeting are even more impactful than over video chat.

These are just a few ideas around forming your mastermind group.

Get Started

Right now, take the time to answer the questions I set forth above and then look up conferences, networking events, or specific people you believe might be great for building your mastermind group. You are in control of both of these actions, so schedule a work period on your calendar to make it happen. There is nothing holding you back. Whether you’re a young professional just kicking off your career, a new business owner, or a seasoned second-career veteran like me, everyone can benefit from surrounding yourself with incredible people.

 

Posted in Blogging, Business, General Musings | Comments Off on Organize a Mastermind Group: Surrounding Ourselves with Life-Givers, not Life-Suckers

Assertiveness – a Primer

One of the downsides to being an Introvert was, for me, an inability to assert myself. I stumbled for words, which only reinforced the idea that I couldn’t do it. Or I wasn’t confident enough in my position or convicted of my idea. I suffered from Imposter Syndrome and felt that I didn’t belong in a conversation or that my position wasn’t somehow earned.

I could go on.

The problem back then (many, many years ago) was that I didn’t understand assertiveness. What I did understand was the exact opposite – speak only when spoken to.

Not good. Not good at all.

I endeavored to learn what it took. Here are my principal findings …

The key aim of assertiveness is to take responsibility for your choices and wellbeing. Another aim is to improve your connection with others, rather than alienating you from them. Assertiveness is an alternative to violating other people’s rights (using aggression), violating your own rights (using passivity) or allowing your rights to be violated but then finding covert ways to communicate your dissatisfaction (passive-aggression).

Here’s an example:

You find yourself doing the dishes yet again. You are silently seething in the kitchen. You wash those damn dishes like they’ve never been washed before. You begin clanging the pots and pans. You barely dry them. You throw the dish towel back onto its rack.

How about this?

Because you’re so damnably conscientious, you cannot stand to see a job not being done, even though it’s someone else’s job! You do it anyway because, well, you’re so damnably conscientious. You find yourself seething at the other employee who is being paid to do what you are doing!

Or this …

You provide repeated emotional support and advice to a friend who desperately needs professional help but refuses to seek it. Moreover, they don’t take your advice and perhaps do the opposite. You wonder, “why the hell do I bother?”

Or this …

You cannot bring yourself to talk to your boss or someone you perceive to be in a position of authority because you don’t think what you have to say is worth their time. You retreat. You hide. And the opportunity is lost, and you hate yourself for it.

Or even this …

You find yourself funding an adult child’s lifestyle, while they make little or no attempt to sort out their own financial issues. They’ve moved back into the basement, rent-free, because they cannot seem to hold a job, or perhaps because they enjoy spending money on things like concerts and alcohol. You seethe.

Here’s the thing: Even the most confident, assertive people encounter these scenarios. Left unchecked, these situations make endless demands of our time, money, and empathy. They even go so far as to limit your personal and professional growth.

Your friends or loved ones will often say, “You just need to be more assertive!” Or “Why can’t you just say no?”

The answer to those questions is often obvious, but if so, why do we find it so difficult to put assertiveness into practice?

Our society is peppered with messages about “putting yourself out there” and “asking for what you want” in a just-do-it kind of way.

I struggled with those messages. I was loath to get in someone’s way. I wasn’t worth their time. I was taught (as I said above), “don’t speak unless spoken to.”

And so, I found myself not asking for what I wanted, let alone attaining it.  In turn, these ideas actually increased in me an already-abundant sense of shame, frustration, and self-blame when things don’t go the way we’d hoped.

Alright, so what are the barriers? Often, we …

  • Fear that we will come across as ‘aggressive.’
  • Fear that we will hurt the other person’s feelings.
  • Fear another person’s anger or disapproval.
  • Avoid a sense of guilt for placing our needs first.
  • Feel discomfort with asking others to see our preferences as important.
  • Fear appearing to be selfish.
  • Fear being rejected or disliked.
  • Suffer insecurity in our ability to make good decisions.
  • Develop the perception that assertiveness is personality trait rather than a skill we learn (“But I’m just not an assertive person!”)

The problem with such beliefs is that they wear down our self-esteem and over time negatively affect our happiness, sense of agency, and even our physical health. Moreover, these beliefs result in a vicious cycle. When we repeatedly compromise our needs, we hold ourselves back from practicing and improving our assertiveness skills. This in turn means we don’t experience the positive impact of assertiveness and healthier boundaries.

Sometimes the source of our difficulty with assertiveness goes back even further. We can internalize messages from an early age about how to express our needs and whether this is seen as appropriate.

Then there’s the case of people who have experienced abuse or neglect in childhood and may have internalized the belief from very early on that their feelings, wishes and right to personal boundaries are not important.

Could this apply to you? If you have had the experience of your wishes not being prioritized or respected, it is possible that you have rarely known anything different. Perhaps you feel a lack of control over your own life – a sense of being carried along by a tidal wave of events rather than steering the ship yourself. Psychologists refer to this as “an overwrought internal locus of control,” which means you are acted upon by the world, as opposed to acting on the world.

As such, you may more often find yourself reacting to events in your life rather than creating them. People may praise your ability to be highly empathic and generous, yet somehow you always end up giving more than you receive. And deep down, you can’t help but notice the difference (and inwardly resent it).

Side Note: Those with “an overwrought locus of external control” are often seen as a pain the ass. These are people who think they can control anything and everything. Internal versus External, the goal is to be somewhere in the middle.

Struggling with setting healthy boundaries can also indicate low self-esteem or a sense of unworthiness. Deep down, you may not really believe you have the right to ask for what you want. Your needs may not seem as legitimate or important as other people’s. You find it far easier to ask other people what they need and spend much of your precious time and energy trying to get it for them. The problem is that you keep adjusting your own desires and needs in order to meet someone else’s.

There are a range of reasons why we have difficulty being assertive. Sometimes even starting to become aware of our unhelpful beliefs can begin a process of change. Below are some common beliefs that hold people back from acting assertively:

  • I shouldn’t say how I’m really feeling or thinking because I don’t want to burden others with my problems.
  • I wouldn’t want to make a scene or draw attention to myself.
  • If I assert myself, I will upset the other person and ruin our relationship.
  • If someone says “no” to my request, it’s because they don’t like me.
  • I shouldn’t have to say what I need or how I feel: people close to me should already know.
  • It sounds uncaring, rude, and selfish to say what you want.
  • I have no right to change my mind (plus it’ll be really annoying for everyone else).
  • I’m not sure what I want, so I’ll see what the others prefer and then I’ll decide.
  • I’m not good at being assertive. If I try to speak for myself, I’ll just sound like an idiot – why bother trying?
  • Cool girls wouldn’t make a fuss about this, I should just ‘go with the flow.’
  • People should keep their feelings to themselves.
  • If I express that I am feeling anxious or overwhelmed, people will think I am weak.
  • If I accept compliments from someone it will mean that I am arrogant.

If those apply to you, then consider for a moment this quote from Marianne Williamson:

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Assertive communication can actually be an act of caring and compassion that benefits other people and yourself, particularly when it is practiced with kindness and courtesy. Honest dialogue can clear up expectations in relationship and allow both parties to solve conflict together. Of course, some people may respond poorly regardless of how respectfully you communicate. However, it is important to stay connected to your inherent right to respect your own time, needs and emotions.

Practicing assertive communication can also drastically improve our mental health and reduce our anxiety about a problem. Think of how exhausting it feels to hold on to disappointment or frustration, without feeling like you can change the situation.  Constantly pretending you’re ‘cool with it’ when you’re actually hurting. However uncomfortable it might feel at the time, assertive communication may eventually help you feel more connected to others in the long-term.

There is a famous Hebrew saying, “If I am not for myself, then who is for me?” If I do not advocate for myself, or communicate my needs, I run the risk of burning out, setting unrealistic expectations and bad precedents, feeling resentful and avoiding others. Sometimes even behaving in those passive-aggressive ways cited above.

Air stewardess performing safety demonstration on aeroplane

When we care for our needs, we give others the right to care for themselves as well. It gives them permission to say, “I care about you and want to support you, but I can’t give to you when I’m low on my own energy sources.”

Consider this example: when the cabin pressure drops during a flight, you’re instructed to apply your own oxygen masks before helping others. If you were to leave your oxygen mask until last, you would lose consciousness fairly quickly and be of no help whatsoever to anyone else. Similarly, when we continuously put other’s needs before our own, emotional exhaustion and compassion fatigue are a guaranteed conclusion.

Articulating our own boundaries and needs in respectful, kind ways are not only possible, but effective in maintaining our health and good relationships.

Toward an understanding of Assertiveness …

  • It is my responsibility to articulate and prioritize my needs. Everyone has this responsibility for themselves, otherwise we cannot maintain healthy boundaries between where I start, and you end.  If I don’t prioritize my needs, I risk neglecting those needs. This could place pressure on someone else to ‘mindread’ what I want, make decisions for me, or to ‘save me.’ This can be self-defeating because it reinforces the notion that I do not have the agency to make good choices for myself. Everyone has agency, otherwise known as “personal power.”
  • When you say “no” you are refusing a request, not rejecting a person. Express yourself firmly and respectfully. And try not to drag it out. Part of declining an offer respectfully is giving the other person enough time to process your refusal and find another alternative. Think of people who start dating someone they feel ambivalent about in order to avoid hurting their feelings with a breakup. Not good. We might term this as “ruinous empathy.”
  • It is simply not realistic to say ‘yes’ to every request (think of an employee who takes on every single project and more, whilst feeling increasingly run-down and burned-out). When we say “no” to one thing we are actually saying “yes” to something else.
  • Similarly, saying ‘yes’ to one activity means saying ‘no’ to something else that might enrich our lives or preserve our mental health, such as alone time and that extra hour of sleep. We always have a choice, and we are constantly making choices. It’s completely reasonable to weigh up the pros and cons of committing to requests of your time and energy.
  • People who have difficulty with assertiveness. They usually overestimate the difficulty that the other person will have in accepting the refusal. For example, we are not trusting that they can cope with hearing “no.” Expressing our feelings openly actually liberates the other person to express their feelings (see the Williamson quote above). By saying “no” to somebody, it allows them to say “no” to our requests. As strange as this sounds, this allows both parties to set reasonable, healthy boundaries and take responsibility for maintaining them.
  • Being assertive does not mean that you always get what you want. Being assertive is about expressing yourself in a way that respects both your needs and the needs of others. Sometimes this means you may or may not get what you want; many times, you must find a mutually satisfactory compromise.
  • Context is everything. We do not have to be assertive in every situation. You may find that being assertive in certain situations is not the most helpful way to behave at the time (for example, if someone is extremely aggressive in the face of direct feedback). However, understanding how to be assertive provides you with the choice of when to be assertive and how to enact healthy boundaries.

If you’re someone who struggles with assertiveness, you too may become overwhelmed by guilt and anxiety, even when you desperately need to achieve a goal. You may struggle to balance so-called “socially appropriate behavior” with your own priorities.

Many people struggle to asking for what they want out of a fear that they will appear to be self-centered, domineering or a bully. Most of the time, the opposite is truer. People who struggle with assertiveness and resort to passivity are often highly sensitive and empathic people. They might be the ‘helpers’ or ‘counsellors’ amongst friends or families. They may even feel a deep sense of pride and purpose in their desire to help and give to others.

Contrasted with the pride and fulfilment some people feel at being able to meet others’ needs, reflecting on their own priorities might feel uncomfortable and even embarrassing. There are many reasons for this: They may hold deep-seated beliefs that their needs are not as legitimate or important as other people’s. They feel so afraid of potential rejection or being seen as ‘selfish’ that they often aren’t really in touch with what they want at all; those things that allow them to feel energized, fulfilled, or nurtured. Or, for that matter, the kinds of personal choices and healthy boundaries that sustain their own mental health.

Avoiding assertiveness can seriously compromise our mental health.

In more extreme cases, people who struggle with assertiveness often describe a sense of giving selflessly and endlessly to their bosses, partners, friends, children, without ever feeling a sense of fulfillment or satisfaction in their relationships. Instead, they feel like they are constantly being taken advantage of in a manner beyond their control. They perform favors and submit to another’s preferences out of a sense of obligation. There seems to be no way out.’ They might tell themselves, “I just have to! It’s the right thing to do.” At times they secretly seethe, wondering why they never get the same generosity in return.

Eventually, people may find themselves becoming the Silent Accountant, keeping a hidden score card that tracks the giving and receiving across close relationships. This can spiral into a passive-aggressive habit that builds on resentment and frustration, without really changing a thing. The problem lies in not being able to speak up or act, even when the accounts have reached a serious level of imbalance.

Many people avoid assertiveness because they confuse assertiveness with selfishness. The word selfish pushes all of our guilt buttons, yet our definition of it is often misguided.

  • Selfishness is putting your needs above everyone else’s, not caring about the impact on others. It means trying to make sure that you have an advantage over everyone else while ignoring, excluding, or belittling their needs. Those who behave selfishly struggle to consider or understand other people’s experience, their wants and needs. They may believe that their own needs and interests are more important than others’.
  • The key aim of selfishness is often connected to dominating or minimizing someone else’s needs. The person behaving selfishly may not really care about being alienated from others.
  • Assertiveness, on the other hand, is about taking responsibility for your own needs and meeting them in reasonable and self-fulfilling ways. You do not hold malice towards others, and you’re not trying to disadvantage or punish someone else. While you state your needs, you are still aiming to be empathic, genuine, and kind.

You’re willing to consider other points of view whilst staying connected to your priorities. Your openness also helps people know exactly where they stand with you. This can improve your relationships because you are open with others about what you need from them in order to feel valued and heard.

Posted in Anxiety, Assertiveness, Counseling Concepts, General Musings, Positive Mental Attitude, Victimhood | Comments Off on Assertiveness – a Primer

Individuation – Separating from Our Parents

I begin this post with a quote from Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, in which he summarizes the reasons for, and the process of, separating from our parents:

The infant is dependent on his parents for almost everything he needs. The child – the successful child – can leave his parents, at least temporarily, and make friends. He gives up a little of himself to do that, but gains much in return. The successful adolescent must take that process to its logical conclusion. He has to leave his parents and become like everyone else. He has to integrate with the group so he can transcend his childhood dependency. Once integrated, the successful adult then must learn how to be the just the right amount of different from everyone else.

The “right amount of different” is the toughest part. We aren’t our parents, which is to say, we cannot merely mimic them, parrot them or for that matter, do all things the same way that they did them. If we were to do so, the human race would not progress. Of course, we do many things the same way as our parents, sometimes to our detriment, although often because our parents engaged with the world in an adaptive way. But it was their way, built upon the circumstances of their time, and built further upon their own strengths while avoiding their own weaknesses.

The child has different strengths and weaknesses, equally a function of their time and place. Thus, different … the right amount of different is our goal.

I hope that makes sense.

And, so, this isn’t about militating against our parents and deciding early on that we will do everything different. Not at all. Nor it is a discussion of the Biblical aspects to “leaving and cleaving,” although the leaving part is relevant, for both parent and child.

For few of us would disagree that parents have the most difficult job in the world. And the huge majority of parents are doing the very best they can for their children. Indeed, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion if they had done everything mostly right, wouldn’t you agree?

That said, some of us have had difficulty doing the leave-his-parents part. Actually, I know of no one who hasn’t had that difficulty in one sense or another. I certainly have.

As much empathy as I have for parents (having been one myself), I will today be talking with all who are on the other side of the fence: those of you who are grown up now and are feeling that your relationship with your parents is somehow a problem in your life.

There is indeed an infinite number of ways that a parent-child relationship can go wrong. Many are subtle or confusing and can leave all parties feeling burdened or hurt. Especially if you know that your parents love you, you may end up baffled about your relationship with them, and wondering what is wrong.

Here are some of the ways that adults struggle with their relationships with their parents:

  • You may feel guilty for not wanting to spend more time with them.
  • You may feel very loving toward them one minute, and angry the next
  • You may look forward to seeing them, and then feel angry, or let down, or disappointed when you’re actually with them.
  • You may find yourself snapping at them and confused about why you’re doing it.
  • You may get physically ill when you see them or have to get thoroughly bombed just to make it through.

How does this happen? Why does this relationship have to be so complicated? Why can’t we just love our parents unconditionally?

Of course, there can be endless different explanations for any of these problems. But for most people, the answer lies somewhere in the area of what psychologists call individuation.

Individuation: The natural, healthy process of the child becoming increasingly separate from the parent by developing his or her own personality, interests, and life apart from the parent.

Individuation usually starts around age 13 but can be as early as 11 or as late as 16. Behaviors we think of as teenage rebellion are actually attempts to separate. Talking back, breaking rules, disagreeing, refusing to spend time with the family … all are ways of feeling and saying, “I am me, and I make my own decisions.”

Individuation is indeed a delicate process; for parents, supporting it can be like threading a needle. Too little acceptance of a child’s individuation and you will end up with a basement full of 40-year-olds. Too much acceptance (via, let’s say either a permissive or uninvolved parenting style), and you’ll have a delinquent roaming the streets, joining gangs, and completing the process of individuation in prison.

Suffice to say, it doesn’t always go smoothly. When it doesn’t, and also when it goes unresolved, it can create a stressful or painful relationship between parent and adult child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 Ways Individuation Can Go Awry:

  1. The parent does not know that the child’s individuation is natural and healthy and discourages it. This parent may feel hurt by the child’s separation, or even be angered by it, making the child feel guilty for developing normally.
  2. The parent wants the child to stay close to take care of the parent’s needs and proceeds to actively discourage the child from separating.
  3. The parent is uncomfortable with the child’s needs, and so encourages the child to be excessively independent from an early (often too early an) age.
  4. The child is held back from healthy individuation by some conflict or issue of his or her own, like anxiety, depression, a physical or medical ailment, or guilt.

When your adolescence gets off track in any of these ways, a price is paid by both you and your parents. Much later, when you’re trying to live your adult life, you may sadly find yourself feeling burdened, pained, or held back by your parents. On top of that you might feel guilty for feeling that way.

So now the big question. How do you know when you need some distance from your parents?

How many of the following questions do you answer, “yes.”

  1. Do you feel held back from growing, developing, or moving forward in your life by your parents?
  2. Is your relationship with your parents negatively affecting how you parent your own children?
  3. Are you afraid of surpassing your parents? Would they be hurt or upset if you become more successful in life than they?
  4. Are you plagued with guilt when it comes to your parents?
  5. Are your parents manipulating you in any way?
  6. Are their needs coming before your own (the exception is if they are elderly or ill)?
  7. Were (or, worse, are) your parents abusive to you in any way, however subtle?
  8. Have you tried to talk with them and solve things, to no avail?
  9. Do you feel that your parents don’t really know you?
  10. Do your parents stir up trouble in your life?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, and you also feel burdened by your relationship with your parents, it may be a sign that you need some distance to maximize your own personal growth and health.

Distancing = Individuation

So, what does distancing mean when it comes to parents?

It doesn’t mean moving farther away. It doesn’t mean being less kind or loving toward them. And it most certainly doesn’t mean doing anything drastically different. In fact, distance can be achieved by changing yourself and your own internal response to what happens between you and your parents. I know this sounds difficult and complicated.

Unfortunately, guilt, for many of us, is built into the adult separation process. There is a sense of having done something “wrong.”  Indeed, separating from your parents can be no less painful now, as an adult, than it was when you were an adolescent.

But the good news is, you are grown up. You’re developed, you’re stronger. Now you can better understand what’s wrong.

It doesn’t matter how old you are. Some parents will still try to parent you. Maybe they:

  • offer advice you didn’t ask for and don’t want.
  • comment on your cluttered apartment every time they visit, even slipping in when you aren’t home to do some rearranging (this happened to me, many times).
  • walk into your home or apartment while you and the girlfriend/boyfriend are … well, you know (this also happened to me, many times).
  • offer helpful “guidance” about your food choices, bedtime, or relationship habits — suggestions that seem an awful lot like the household rules you’ve outgrown.

Often, parental overinvolvement comes from a good place (though that doesn’t make it okay). Your parents may simply want to remain part of your life now that you’ve established your independence and left home.

They could also have some trouble giving up control. Parents cling to the belief that they know what’s best for their children, long after those children have entered adulthood and had children of their own. It’s a natural part of entering old age and the so-called “empty nest.”

Boundaries Need to Be Set

When parents repeatedly challenge the limits you set, or ignore them outright, this can suggest an unhealthy dynamic. Their disregard for your needs can easily contribute to tension and emotional distress and cause lasting damage to your relationship. For perhaps the first time in your life, you need to set up limits or what we call “boundaries.”

If you find the prospect of setting (and reinforcing) boundaries with your parents downright terrifying, we hear you. The 9 tips below can help this process happen a little more smoothly.

  1. Have Compassion. The famed psychologist Erik Erikson speaks to the relevant stage of life when parents are leaving behind the “generativity” process of being responsible for their children. We refer to it today as the “empty nest” and it can be difficult for parents to negotiate their way into a new way of being in the world. In fact, poorly done, this can result in a kind of stagnation, Erikson said, when they are flailing about for a new mission for the second half of their lives. And it’s especially hard if they haven’t been preparing for it all along. Therefore, have compassion and remember … you’ll go through it one day too.
  2. Find out what’s on their mind(s). When it comes to navigating conflict or tension in any kind of relationship, an open conversation is nearly always the best place to start. Talking with your parents can help you get more insight into why they’re trying to manage your life. If they feel excluded or lonely, calling at all hours or showing up without an invite might reflect their desire to spend more time with you. In other words, they’re afraid of missing out on your life now that it’s happening somewhere else. They might also be struggling with issues of their own, such as trouble at work or health concerns. Becoming more involved in your life could be one way of coping with feelings toward challenges they can’t control. In any scenario, a clearer picture of what’s going on can help you navigate the situation productively. What’s more, simply listening can reassure them you care about their feelings.
  3. Frame your boundaries with gratitude and appreciation. Setting limits with your parents isn’t disrespectful in the slightest. On the contrary, it’s healthy to (politely) state your boundaries and expect your parents to respect those needs. That said, you’ll most likely have more success — not to mention fewer hurt feelings to deal with — when you choose your words carefully. It usually doesn’t hurt to let them know just how much you appreciate them before getting into what needs to change. Here are some examples:
    1. If they brought you a takeout meal from a restaurant you loved before going vegan, you might say: “You bringing me lunch was so thoughtful. But like I’ve mentioned a few times now, I’m sticking to a different diet, so I can’t eat it. I don’t want you to waste your money, so please check before you pick up food for me next time.”
    2. If they have a habit of letting themselves in with the key you gave them for emergencies, you might say: “It’s nice to see you. But this apartment is my space, and I’m not always ready for company. In the future, I need you to call or text before you drop by, and then knock instead of walking in. That way, we can visit when it’s a good time for both of us.” Tip: Sort through your own feelings before the conversation. Identifying exactly what bothers you (from pointed remarks about your shopping list to suggestions about your love life) can help you enter the conversation prepared with some possible solutions.
  4. Confront issues directly; said another way, “failure to confront is permission to proceed.” Your parents probably still consider you their child, regardless of your actual age. You might find it challenging enough to get them to recognize your independence when you maintain your own household. But what if you’ve temporarily returned to your parents’ house to weather a temporary downturn in your fortunes? Well, you might realize they seem to think you’ve regressed several years in age, as well.
    1. Telling yourself, “It’s just temporary,” and resolving to avoid conflict by biting your tongue is one way to handle the situation. This could help keep the peace — if the tensions you’re dealing with are, in fact, only popping up due to the close quarters you now share.
    2. Usually, though, you’re better off addressing concerns as they come up instead of avoiding them and letting them simmer.
    3. If your parents have always had a hard time recognizing and respecting your needs for privacy and personal space (hallmarks of so-called helicopter parents), this problem isn’t going to magically disappear. You’ll eventually have to set some limits, and waiting to establish boundaries usually only leads to more frustration, distress, and even resentment for everyone involved.
  5. Be clear and specific. Like avoidance, vagueness generally doesn’t do you any favors. Unclear or confusing boundaries leave plenty of room for misinterpretation. You might know exactly what you mean when you say things like: “Please don’t buy me junk I don’t need,” or, “Please only feed the kids healthy food.”
    1. Your parents, however, may not. So, it’s more helpful to give specific examples of unacceptable behaviors, along with acceptable alternatives, depending on the situation.
    2. For example: “Your gifts are always so generous, and I appreciate the thought, but I don’t need new clothes or shoes. If you’d really like to help out, I can always use a gift card for groceries;” or, “We don’t give the kids soda or sugary snacks, but they’d love baking cookies with you. I’m also happy to bring snacks and drinks when they visit.”
  6. Find a compromise. When your parents get a little too involved in your life, enforcing your boundaries can provide a gentle reminder that you can (and will) make your own choices. Once you restate your boundaries, you can also meet them in the middle by offering a compromise. Here are examples:
    1. If they want to spend more time together, for example, you might first emphasize your boundary: “Remember, we talked about you checking with me first before coming over. I have company, so I can’t visit with you right now.”
    2. Then, suggest an alternative: “Why don’t we plan a weekly hike or lunch? That way we can get together at a time that works for both of us.”
    3. Maybe you don’t want to talk about your sex life, but you’re perfectly happy to answer nonsexual questions about your dates. By discussing the details you’re willing to share (while firmly skipping over the ones you aren’t), you can help them feel more included without compromising that boundary.
    4. If you’re not sure what to offer, ask what they’re looking for: “I’m wondering if there’s a reason why you keep stopping by. If you want to spend more time together, we need to plan that out beforehand. What do you think?”
    5. Collaborating to find a solution can leave you both satisfied, since it allows you to maintain your boundary while still involving them.
  7. Remember, boundaries are healthy for everyone involved. It’s normal to feel a little guilt when setting boundaries with parents. If you know they love you and believe they have good intentions, you probably want to avoid hurting their feelings. Unfortunately, they could still feel hurt, even when you set boundaries with compassion and kind words. If you then feel guilty for offending them, you might end up yielding some ground when they push back against those limits. Flimsy or nonexistent boundaries might make your parents feel better, but they won’t do much to improve your situation. Instead of feeling loved and supported, you might feel:
    1. angry and resentful.
    2. anxious over further infringements; or,
    3. fearful of arguments

Believing your parents don’t respect your ability to make your own choices can also damage your sense of self-worth and self-respect. So, when those guilty feelings bubble up, reminding yourself that by standing firm and repeating your boundary politely, you’re supporting your own well-being.

  1. Know when to take some space. Your parents may not always listen to what you have to say or respect the limits you set. Maybe they:
    1. persist in hurtful teasing.
    2. attempt to guilt you into easing up on your boundaries.
    3. continue making pointed remarks about your partner’s profession; or,
    4. bring up topics you’ve highlighted as off-limits in front of your kids.
    5. If so, a good next step might involve creating some distance in the relationship. You might say: “I’ve set clear boundaries around behavior that hurts me/my partner/the kids. If you’re not willing to respect those limits, I’m not willing to invite you into my home or spend time with you.”
    6. Once you’ve outlined the consequences, stick to them. Doing so will show your parents you intend to enforce your boundaries, now and in the future.
    7. If they want to rebuild your relationship, they’ll need to respect those boundaries.
  2. Work with a professional. Finding it tough to communicate your needs to your parents? Still not entirely sure what kind of boundaries you need? Setting limits with parents can feel intimidating, to say the least.

    A mental health professional can offer support with preparing for these difficult conversations by helping you explore what you need from the relationship and identifying specific things that need to change. Therapists can also offer more guidance on what healthy boundaries look like and help you recognize and address toxic relationship behaviors.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking with your parents directly, therapy also provides a safe space to have a therapist-mediated discussion about the importance of boundaries in your relationship.

The Bottom Line

Individuation isn’t an easy task. You may not remember it, but separating from our parents wasn’t easy when you were 11 or 12 either. Back then, however, you were merely testing limits. Now that you’re your own adult, setting limits is one of your basic responsibilities in life.

Think here of how you wouldn’t let a boss belittle you or cajole you into doing something you see as unethical.  In your work life and in your personal life, boundaries help you to honor your physical and emotional needs and protect your personal space, your own agency. In short, they’re essential in every relationship.


Keep in mind, though, that strong boundaries do more than protect you. They also have another important function: helping you cultivate a healthy adult relationship with your parents. After all, they’ll always be your parents, but you’re not a child any longer.

Posted in Counseling Concepts, General Musings, Helicopter Parenting, People (in general), People in general | Comments Off on Individuation – Separating from Our Parents

Small Talk – the Essential Lubricant

 

 

 

 

Small Talk – those polite conversations about unimportant or uncontroversial matters, especially as engaged in on social occasions. Yuck. Talking about unimportant matters? WHO DOES THAT? Why waste my time?

Well, it turns out that those polite conversations are the oil in the gears of life. They are often the encounters that change who we are. We can actually learn things! And, for those who suffer from depression, the act of getting “out of oneself” can be the best tonic.

This post, adapted from a piece written years ago in Psychology Today, will give you perhaps a new way of looking at it.


Do you dread trading niceties with retail clerks and assorted other strangers when you are out in public? Do you go out of your way to avoid neighbors and co-workers so that you do not have to engage in idle chitchat about the weather and other equally inoffensive topics? Does your blood run cold when you receive an invitation to a cocktail party?

If this sounds like you, then you have an aversion to small talk.

Some people hate small talk because they perceive it as a waste of time and as an impediment to a meaningful conversation; others may hate it simply because they are not good at it.

How you feel about small talk depends to some extent on where you are from. Stereotypically, Americans are more tolerant of small talk than people from other places and expect to encounter it in social situations. Scandinavians, on the other hand, are more comfortable with awkward silences than with awkward small talk, and the British TV show Very British Problems devoted an entire episode to the excruciating tactics that many Brits will resort to in an attempt to avoid small talk.

There are also consistent gender differences in how small talk plays out. While everyone likes to talk about the weather, women are far more likely to engage in compliments – about each other’s clothing and appearance, etc. – whereas men are more likely to employ playful insults. In both cases, people are signaling a desire to establish a mutually comfortable level of involvement in the conversation.

Is There a Downside to Small Talk?

Many critiques of small talk refer to a demonstration organized by Duke University Psychologist Dan Ariely as evidence that there might be some real advantages from banishing small talk from our daily lives. See an INC Magazine article about it here: Banning Small Talk From Your Conversations Makes You Happier, Says Science (Ask Any of These 12 Questions for a Change) | Inc.com

Ariely arranged a dinner party for 27 guests with the following rule: No small talk allowed!

All guests were required to arrive at exactly the same time, and the hosts provided index cards with meaningful conversation starters. The guests were required to police their conversations by sounding the alarm and changing direction if they perceived that the conversation was drifting in the direction of small talk. The party turned out to be a rousing success, and those in attendance confirmed that it was one of the most interesting and stimulating social events that they had ever attended.

Small talk haters are also quick to cite a study by psychologist Mathias Mehl and his colleagues, published in Psychological Science in 2010. In Mehl’s study, 79 undergraduate students wore an electronic device that recorded 30 seconds of sound every 12.5 minutes for four days. Afterward, all of the captured conversations were categorized as either small talk or as substantive, meaningful conversation. His participants completed a battery of questionnaires designed to measure happiness and well-being, and it turned out that higher levels of well-being were associated with less small talk and more substantive conversation.

One of the conclusions that many drew from these results was that engaging in small talk diminishes one’s well-being.

However, Mehl repeated the study in 2018 with a much larger sample and a more sophisticated analysis of the data, and this time concluded that small talk does not undermine happiness and that it is associated with more happiness than one usually experiences when one is alone.

In other words, it is better to engage in small talk than to engage in no talk at all. The results of the earlier study apparently reflected the strong positive effect that meaningful conversation has on happiness rather than any negative effects of small talk.

Small Talk as a Social Skill

In recent years, small talk has been belatedly recognized as a beneficial feature of everyday life. For example, studies indicate that people are happier when they talk to others, even if it is just strangers on a subway, and even if it is just small talk.

Remember that the most horrible punishment, short of course of the death penalty, we can inflict on a prisoner is that of solitary confinement.

The problem with many previous discussions of small talk was a framing of the issue as a contest between the benefits of small talk versus the benefits of deeper conversation as if people must be forced to engage in only one or the other.

The trick is to be skillful in the use of both types of talk in your social interactions. Rather than being antagonistic to each other, these different types of talk are strategies that work in tandem to create effective relationships.

Yes, of course, you are bound to be disappointed if all of your conversations are nothing more than superficial loops of chatter about things that no one really cares about; but the skilled conversationalist knows how to use small talk as a social lubricant and as a segue to deeper topics. Think of small talk as a tool that negotiates and defines a relationship. It can be a way of synchronizing the level of intimacy felt by each of the partners in the conversation and a way of signaling friendly intentions while simultaneously minimizing awkward, uncomfortable silences.

The actual topics of small talk do not matter very much; its purpose is not to convey information, but rather to serve as an opening act to warm up the audience for the meaty stuff to follow.

In short, being adept with small talk is an important component of your arsenal of social skills. Knowing when to initiate small talk and also knowing when to move on and escalate the level of discourse beyond mundane topics will make you a popular conversational partner.

And always be careful not to overstep the level of intimacy inherent in a situation, especially when the small talk strays into the realm of personal topics such as health or physical appearance.

 

Posted in General Musings | Comments Off on Small Talk – the Essential Lubricant

My Organization System – Papered and Paperless

I spent some time this morning with a friend. He’d recently purchased a new iPad and wanted to move toward the idea of a “paperless office.” Or, perhaps more generally, a “paperless life.” He asked about what I do in service of that goal.

First of all, and as Bill Gates once said, “we will have the paperless toilet before we’ll have the paperless office.” I agreed with him then and agree with him even more now. Printer sales are testament to that, as are sales of paper itself. I have in my office a box of printer paper – 12 reams in all. I buy maybe two such boxes a year. I have a 20-year-old printer that works as well today as the day I bought it, perhaps because I use it less.

But use it I do. There are just some things that beg to printed out. We will get back to that in a moment.

Secondly, while I am pretty good at paperless technology, I still resort to paper on a daily basis. Why? Well, because of what I wrote here: Take Note of This: Handwriting is Better for Memory!  and because of this: Ten Good Reasons to Carry a Paper Notebook

Suffice to say that technology has its place; more specifically, a balance of virtual-based and paper-based approaches to everything in our lives.

What follows are some thoughts on my system, my way of managing email, documents, calendars, To-Do items, etc.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Email is the scourge of modern living. Aside from many of my students who don’t seem to want or need email anymore, I know of no one else in my life who doesn’t have an email address and who uses it virtually every day. Obviously, it begins and ends in a paperless mode. I suppose that 80-90% of emails never get printed out. They are read, responded to and maybe then deleted, or tagged and stored.
  2. When I say “tagged,” I am referring to Outlook’s wonderful ability to categorize emails (which comes from “tagging” an email by a general subject matter category). Once read, and if not then deleted, I respond as necessary, then tag the mail and move it into a “folder” that I call “Cabinet.” The folder has 1,000s of tagged emails which are easily searched by tag. They appear in Cabinet in order to tag name and make going back to an old email much easier than searching through an overcrowded inbox.
  3. One exception to this process is the use of what I call my “Hold” folder, aka, Pending. Hold contains unread mails which for whatever reason are to be followed-up upon at some future point. “Unread” is key. In Outlook, unread mails are bolded. At the moment I have 12 boldedHold” messages.
    1. Let’s say I buy something from Amazon. I get an email with the order number and within that the receipt.
    2. I glance at the email then mark it as un-read (which bolds it) and drag it into the Hold folder.
    3. It sits there until the order is received. And once the received product is opened and I can see that the order is complete, I un-bold the mail (marking it as read), tag it with a category name (in this case, what I call “iReceipts”), and move it to Cabinet. Done.
    4. I do this for other mails which require future action.
  4. “Sent Mail” is an interesting animal. I keep all sent mail in the folder that Outlook provides (Sent Items). Now and then I will Tag a sent mail and drag it into Cabinet, but rarely.  By virtue of the Outlook system, Sent Mail all have notations as to the original mail to which it relates.

 

 

 

 

 

Now, as for documents created on any of my platforms (iPad, iPhone, iMac, MacBook, my desktop Windows machine, etc.), I use Microsoft’s OneDrive™ as my cloud storage.

  1. When a document is created, it is created from within OneDrive™. Which is to say, it will begin life as an incomplete (empty) Word™ document that is then “auto saved” within OneDrive.
  2. For example, Word™ (for Mac, iPad, Windows, etc.) will ask me where I want the document stored. The default is always to store it in what I call a transfer folder (“XFR File”) within OneDrive. Similar to my Hold folder in email, XFR is a resting point for documents. I use only Word, by the way. Nothing else.
  3. Ultimately, the document when complete (or even as it is in process) will get dragged into a OneDrive folder.
  4. Periodically, I go through the XFR File and move things to an appropriate folder within OneDrive™.
  5. At present I have about 75 documents waiting to be moved. My goal is to have that at some minimum number. But I figure that just being alive and sentient will mean some number of files/documents being held there. “Zero in-box” or, in my case, zero XFR items, is a pipe dream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, what about notetaking by hand?

For that, I use both paper and technology.

  1. Since I was a very young man, I watched how those around me kept notes. And almost without exception, they carried paper notebooks. From the late 1970s onward, I have therefore always had a notebook close at hand. Generally speaking, that’s all I use.
  2. Now, occasionally, I will I use my iPad with the Apple Pencil for notes. And for that I use Notability (available on the Apple App store).  I have found that it is the most robust, easy-to-use application of the many available. Your mileage may differ, of course, and there are several really good notetaking apps out there.
  3. However, Notability does not have the level of built-in encryption that I want or need. Thus, client and patient notes are always taken by hand into a paper notebook dedicated for that purpose. And they remain there, stored after hours in a locked cabinet. Remember – there is good reason to always carry a paper notebook. See this entry: Ten Good Reasons to Carry a Paper Notebook
  4. By the way, if the notes I take by hand need to be stored digitally, I scan them using my iPad’s camera (or my iPhone’s camera) and drag them into an appropriate folder within OneDrive. Or they could go into Notability.
  5. Lastly, I keep my paper notebooks forever. I have them from the late 1970s forward to today. What a wonderful record of life!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What about calendaring? Great question. For me, it’s a hybrid system.

  1. Obviously, I live in a world where many meetings are scheduled using Outlook™. I accept or decline those meetings and my electronic calendar is thereby updated.
  2. But that works only if I am at my computer (or on a device) and can quickly add/accept the meeting. However, for reasons that have more to do with convenience, I don’t want to mess with opening Outlook and creating a meeting.
  3. So, in those instances, I create a meeting on my Week-At-A-Glance paper calendar first, then reconcile paper to Outlook — and Outlook to paper — on a regular basis. I actually enjoy that reconciliation process. I think of the process of tapping some kind of “eidetic” memory ability. I can “see” my day by having looked at the paper in ways that I cannot when looking at my Outlook calendar. Call me weird, but that’s what it is.
  4. But more than that, I keep my paper calendars forever. I can look back. I can wonder for what I was going on this day 20 years ago, or 30, or 5. Kinda neat, when you think about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I call them “TooDues” – which is to say, everything that goes on a To-Do List has a due date. Yes, there is some cross-over between HOLD emails (those requiring further action) and this listing of TooDue items, but such is life. There is also some cross-over with follow-up action items recorded in my paper notebooks (for which I have drawn an empty tick-box to remind me). Not matter the cross-over, you must record your TooDues somewhere.

So, that’s the important part!! Get whatever you must do into a list of some sort, and then forget about them. Some of my clients call it a “Letting Go Journal,” which is a list of things they must do but would rather get OUT of their minds and into a list of some sort.

For this, I use an application called Todoist, which is available for nearly all platforms. It is therefore “cross-platform” and available to you on whatever device you are using at the moment. Go to Todoist | A To-Do List to Organize Your Work & Life

Generally speaking, my TooDue listings are relatively short, but then again, I am not a working adult anymore. For those of you who work at a job where TooDues come at you, then your Todoist listing will be much larger.

 

 

 

 

Regular, Every-Day United States Mail

Most of what our mail lady brings me is junk mail and quickly discarded. That said, and aside from parcels (see email HOLD discussion above), actionable mail is quickly opened, then either pended to a paper file folder for further action, or scanned as application, then discarded.

Simple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When done with some discipline (while NOT making it a drudgery), the system works. I have managed to minimize the amount of paper I produce and keep and am able to find what I need almost instantaneously. Plus, it’s good for my mental health!

Hope you enjoy! Contact me with any questions on josephvrusso@gmail.com

An overall flowchart of my system appears below.

Other thoughts:

  1. Keep your technology’s battery charged. Keep them plugged in. Default to using them plugged in. There is nothing more frustrating than reaching for an iPad or an iPhone or a ThinkPad and getting … nothing.
  2. That said, get disciplined about draining your battery from time to time. I believe they call it “cycling,” and it helps me to extend the life of any given device’s battery.
  3. I mentioned earlier that printing some items is unavoidable. Forms that cannot be completed and signed online, tax returns for safekeeping, some receipts, student papers to be shared one-on-one in a meeting, etc. In the past 20 years or so, I have gone from two filing cabinets full of paper down to one (and in that there is plenty of space).
  4. What about editing a document on an iPad? Well, it depends. Word for iOS is available and can be used to edit a document. Or you can save a Word document as a PDF and then use Notability to annotate the document.
  5. Do I use OneNote for notetaking? Yes, but not nearly as often as Notability. I prefer Notability’s support of the Apple Pencil.
  6. And what about Android users? Basically, everything above still applies. Samsung has their S-Pen, which I have used and liked, and to my knowledge there are plenty of notetaking apps available on the Google Store.

Here’s a look at the overall system:

Posted in General Musings, Paperless Movement | 2 Comments

Dr Russo’s Review of Cognitive Distortions: How to Think like a Mature Adult

 

 

 

 

 

In my practice, as I am sure other therapists do, I have treated many clients who present with clinically significant distress that, if not wholly based on distortive thinking, is largely the result of so-called “monkey mind.”  This is simply when we cognitively distort what has happened to us we literally jump around like excited monkeys in ways which result in clinical distress way out of proportion to what actually occurred (or is occurring).

I begin this little treatise on distortive thinking by examining what the great ancient stoic, Epictetus, had to say. He taught that philosophic inquiry is simply a way of life and not just a theoretical approach to the world. To Epictetus, all external events are beyond our control. Further, he taught that we should calmly, and without passion, accept whatever happens. Individuals are responsible for their own actions, which they can moderate through rigorous self-discipline. This quote, attributed to him, sums it up nicely:

“Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”

Aaron Beck

Within counseling, the seminal theorists Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis seized upon Epictetus as they developed their respective therapeutic techniques: cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT).  

As we go about examining cognitive distortions, keep in mind that both theorists had turned their back on psychoanalytic techniques that saw depression arising from motivational‐affective considerations; in other words, as misdirected anger, swallowed anger, or “bottled up anger.”

In his practice work, Beck found that his clients reported their feelings of depression in ways differing from these psychoanalytical conceptualizations of depression. Like Ellis, Beck found his clients illustrated evidence of irrational thinking that he called systematic distortions.

Therefore, the basic premise of Beck’s Cognitive‐Behavioral Therapy attacks these distortions, and follows the philosophy of Epictetus: It is not a thing that makes us unhappy, but how we view things that make us unhappy. Consequently, if we avoid struggling to change things, and instead change our own interpretations of things, we change how we feel and how we act in the future.

So, then, what is cognition? Cognitions are verbal or pictorial representations, available to the conscious mind, which form according to the interpretations we make about the things that happen to us. These interpretations and assumptions are shaped by a bunch of unconscious presuppositions we make about people and things, based on past experience ‐ and when I say past experience, I mean experiences going all the way back to birth.

When we are infants, we take in the whole world in a rather naive and unthinking fashion. Some term this process as one of “accepting introjected beliefs.” We live with these introjections throughout life (some refer to this as the “appraisal approach” to the world). By way of a simple example, most of us are reluctant to touch a hot stove because of what our mothers and fathers commanded us NOT to do; namely, to touch a hot stove.  We lived with that introjected understanding of stoves for a long time, accepting that they were right. But we never knew for ourselves that they were right! That is, until we accidentally touched a hot stove.

In order to make sense of our world, we recursively form cognitive filters, schemas, or a set of assumptions and expectations of how events will transpire, and what they mean to us. Such expectations can be (and often are) illogical and irrational.  It is as if our accumulated introjections preclude us from making even the simplest of logical leaps of faith.

Albert Ellis – Some call him the Asshole of Therapists

These introjections get in the way and often result in the aforementioned clinical distress. Beck’s therapy seeks to uncover instances where distorted, illogical thoughts and images lead to unwanted or unproductive emotions. We say unproductive emotions, because while these emotions can be either good or bad both can lead to unproductive behaviors.

Beck’s typology of cognitive distortions is somewhat like Ellis’s notion of “irrational beliefs,” which Ellis challenged through the process of disputation.  All distortions represent evidence of our emotions subsuming a logical thought process. We may therefore label them as logical fallacies.

Regardless of the over-riding clinical efficacy of appealing to our clients’ intellectual reasoning abilities (which, by itself, can be problematic), it is helpful to share with clients a list of irrational beliefs, or cognitive distortions, as a starting point in therapy.

  1. Catastrophizing or Minimizing ‐ weighing an event as too important, or failing to weight it enough.
  2. Dichotomous Thinking ‐ committing the false dichotomy error ‐ framing phenomena as an either/or when there are other options. (Remember here the “genius of AND versus the tyranny of OR”).
  3. Emotional Reasoning ‐ feeling that your negative affect necessarily reflects the way a situation really is.
  4. Fortune Telling ‐ anticipating that events will turn out badly. I see this perhaps more so than any other distortion.
  5. Labeling ‐ this occurs when we infer the character of a person from one behavior, or from a limited set of behaviors. I.e. a person who forgets something one time is “an idiot.” This amounts to “telling a book by its cover” type-thinking.
  6. Mental Filter ‐ we all have mental filters, but this distortion refers to specific situations where we filter out evidence that an event could be other than a negative one for us.
  7. Mind Reading ‐ believing that we can know what a person thinks solely from their behaviors. This one is related strongly to the notion of “projection” onto someone else the feelings that we, ourselves, might have in a similar situation.
  8. Over-generalization ‐ one event is taken to be proof of a series or pattern of events. Basic statistics courses teach us (or SHOULD teach us) that patterns are hard to find in nature. They only appear to be such. We can view them as otherwise.
  9. Personalization ‐ here we are assuming that a person is at fault for some negative external event. Said another way, we take complete responsibility for something that is nowhere near our fault!
  10. Should Statements ‐ statements that begin with “Shoulds” or “Musts” are often punishing demands we make on ourselves. Generally, the assumption that we Must or Should do something is absolutist, and therefore most likely false. The moral here is to “stop shoulding on yourself!”

Ellis, Beck, and other theorists and therapists who employ CBT approaches in their practices, have similar approaches to cognitive distortions. They begin with a laser-like focus upon symptom relief, which in turn, looks to find those cognitive distortions that many clients suffer from.  Beck’s CBT is short-term in nature, as we know, but remember that symptom reduction has been shown by empirical research to be as effective as longer-term help. The idea here is that by focusing on symptoms we can help effect “core” character changes.

Becks’ CBT and Ellis’s REBT have many therapeutic approaches in common.  And while this treatise was not intended to be a detailed review of those therapies, it might be helpful to see how each address the notion of “cognitive distortive thinking.”

In both approaches, the therapist is active, didactic and directive. This means that he or she tells you what he is doing, the reason why he is doing it, and even teaches you how to do it for yourself. For example, if she assigns homework for a client, she tells the client the reasoning behind the homework. This also has the additional benefit of allowing the client to practice new behaviors in the actual environment where they will occur. Keeping a list of cognitive distortions handy can be an example of where the therapist has asked that the client practice how to recognize them.

Dr Joseph V Russo – NOT the asshole of all therapists!

I am an REBT therapist. As such, I often provide clients with a toolkit of self-help techniques. I want my client to, in effect, become a specialist in dealing with his own problems. My therapeutic intent is to help the client become more independent. In other words, I am putting myself out of business by freeing my clients from the need for therapy. I want them to actively prepare for similar events in their lives in the future and be prepared with techniques they can employ themselves.

So, for example, when the client senses that they are suffering from distortive thinking, they will be able to whip out the list of ten cognitive distortions and do the work themselves.

One thing that CBT and REBT therapists (among others) focus upon is the here-and-now, the present, as well as the future. Without question, events in our past have shaped who we are. We need to embrace that fact, but at the same time, we need to look at what we can do now to change our view of life.

We cannot change the past. We can only adjust our view of the present and future events.

Consequently, I approach the therapeutic relationship in a highly collaborative fashion, as opposed to an authoritarian, adversarial or a neutral fashion. In effect, and while I begin as the authority on what we are about to do in therapy, I actively transfer the power of the relationship to the client.

To that end, and like what Beck did, I often set an agenda at the beginning of therapy and then return to that agenda time and time again to gauge progress. Beck set a great example when he outlined these precise steps (in terms of agenda and session structure):

  1. Set an agenda
  2. Review self‐report data
  3. Review presenting problem
  4. Identify problems and set clearly definable and measurable goals
  5. Educate patient on the cognitive model – discuss cognitive distortions
  6. Discuss the patient’s expectations for therapy
  7. Summarize session and assign homework
  8. Elicit feedback from the patient

Let’s focus for a moment on step 5.  Without question, behavioral therapists have many tools at their disposal, including psycho education, relaxation training, coping skills, exposure, and response prevention.  But is cognitive restructuring that most specifically addresses distortive thinking and which can offer the aforementioned symptom relief.

At step 5, I will acquaint my client with the ideas of both Beck and Ellis and talk about how both (but mostly Ellis) seek to focus on the client’s core evaluative beliefs about himself.  Of course, Ellis tended to revert somewhat to the past by explaining how unconscious conflict may exist, based upon past experiences, while Beck tended to eschew this.  He was more concerned with working with observable behaviors, and thereby potentially uncover the distortive thinking.

To that end, I focus more on what is referred to as one’s “automatic thoughts,” which tend to link back to core beliefs. Ellis would have me attack those core beliefs (to the extent they are maladaptive), while Beck would have been simply to try to change them. But when you stop and think about it, BOTH would have the therapist help the client to change those core beliefs.

We all have automatic thoughts – indeed, such automatic thinking helps to keep us alive. The so-called Gift of Fear comes into play here, which while largely unconscious, is what governs our approach to the world. It is when such automatic thinking results in distress that we as therapists are called upon.

Beck (not Becker) did not view automatic thoughts as unconscious in a Freudian sense. He merely saw them as operating without our notice; in a word, “automatic.”

Remember that such thinking arises from the underlying assumptions and rules we have accepted (via introjections) and made up (through experience) about how to do deal with the world. And it is HOW we have previously dealt with the world, for the good or for the bad, that has resulted in our core beliefs (about ourselves and about others around us). They are, almost by definition, highly charged and rigid “takes” on the world. They govern what we do.

Beck and to large extent, Ellis, engaged in what they called cognitive restructuring.  First, you identify the cognitive distortions that appear in those automatic thoughts and which point to the self-defeating core beliefs the client has allowed to set in his or her cognitions. Often this is done through active disputation. I prefer to go about disputation in a somewhat scientific way, through guided discovery, hypothesis testing, supporting through evidence, and looking for alternative theories. Clients are, for the most part, receptive.

Here is an example:

  • Automatic thought: I can’t do this, it is too hard.
  • Assumption: I will fail.
  • Core Belief: Because I am a loser.

I would begin with the statement, “I cannot do this.”  I would work with the client to uncover “real evidence” of their inability to do … whatever.  I simply ask, “What evidence do you have?” And often, there is NO evidence. The statement, “I can’t do this” is not literally true.  Perhaps he’s having trouble because he’s trying to do too much at once.  The core belief is what I then attack, by asking questions around when they have NOT been a loser; by asking for examples of a time when they were successful in resolving a situation to their satisfaction (read: successfully); and by asking, is that what you truly believe about yourself?

In the most general sense, we can discuss cognitive restructuring in the following fashion: Perception and experiencing in general are active processes that involve both inspective and introspective data, in that the clients’ cognitions represent a synthesis of internal (mental filters) and external stimuli (the world about him.)  How people appraise a situation is generally evident in their cognitions (thoughts and visual images). These cognitions constitute their stream of consciousness or phenomenal field, which reflects their configuration of themselves, their past and future, and their world. Alterations in the content of their underlying cognitive structures affect their affective state and behavioral patterns. Through psychological intervention, clients can become aware of their cognitive distortions. Correction of those faulty dysfunctional constructs can lead to clinical improvement.

According to cognitive theory, cognitive dysfunctions are the core of the affective, physical and other associated features of depression.  Apathy and low energy are results of a person’s expectation of failure in all areas. Similarly, paralysis of will stems from a person’s pessimist attitude and feelings of hopelessness.

Take depression – a negative self‐perception whereby people see themselves as inadequate, deprived and worthless.  They experience the world as negative and demanding.  They learn self‐defeating cognitive styles, to expect failure and punishment, and for it to continue for a long time.  The goal of cognitive therapy is to alleviate depression and to prevent its recurrence by helping clients to identify and test negative cognitions, to develop alternative and more flexible schemas, and to rehearse both new cognitive and behavioral responses in the confines of the therapeutic chamber By changing the way people think, the depressive disorder can be alleviated.

The beginnings of Cognitive Restructuring employ several steps:

  1. Didactic aspects. The therapy begins by explaining to the client the theoretical concepts of CBT or REBT, by focusing on the belief that faulty logic leads to emotional pain. Next, the client learns the concept of joint hypothesis formation, and hypothesis testing.  In depression, the relationship between depression and faulty, self-defeating cognitions are stressed, as well as the connection of affect and behavior, and all rationales behind treatment.
  2. Eliciting automatic thoughts. Every psychopathological disorder has its own specific cognitive profile of distorted thought, which provides a framework for specific cognitive intervention. In depression, we see the negative triad: a globalized negative self-view, negative view of current experiences and a negative view of the future.For example, in hypo manic episodes we see inflated views of self, experience and future. In anxiety disorder, we see irrational fear of physical or psychological danger. In panic disorder, we see catastrophic misinterpretation of body and mental experiences.  In phobias, we see irrational fear in specific, avoidable situations. In paranoid personality disorder: negative bias, interference by others. In conversion disorder: concept of motor or sensory abnormality. In obsessive‐compulsive disorder: repeated warning or doubting about safety and repetitive rituals to ward off these threats. In suicidal behavior: hopelessness and deficit in problem solving. In anorexia nervosa, the ear of being fat. In hypochondriasis, the attribution of a serious medical disorder.
  3. Testing automatic thoughts. Acting as a teacher, the therapist helps a client test the validity of her automatic thoughts. The goal is to encourage the client to reject inaccurate or exaggerated thoughts.  As therapists know all too well, clients often blame themselves for things outside their control.
  4. Identifying maladaptive thoughts.  As client and therapist continue to identify automatic thoughts, patterns usually become apparent. The patterns represent rules of maladaptive general assumptions that guide a client’s life.As an example, “To be happy, I must…”  The primary assumption is: “If I am nice, and suffer for others, then bad things won’t happen to me,” with a secondary assumption: “It is my fault when bad things happen to me, because I was not nice enough. Therefore, “Life is unfair, because I am nice and still bad things happen.”You can see how such rules inevitably lead to disappointment, depression, and ultimately, depression.

Some concluding thoughts which Beck had about depression and his view of how psychopathology occurs in general:

  • Emotional disorders are the results of distorted thinking or an unrealistic appraisal of life events.
  • How an individual structures reality determines his emotional state.
  • A reciprocal relation exits between affect and cognition wherein one reinforces the other, resulting in escalations of emotional and cognitive impairment.
  • Cognitive structures organize and filter incoming data, and are acquired in early development.
  • Too many dissonant distortions lead to maladjustment.
  • Therapy involves learning experiences for the client that allow them to monitor distorted thinking to realize the relation between thoughts, feelings and behavior and to test the validity of automatic thoughts to substitute more realistic cognitions and to learn to identify and later the underlying assumptions that predispose the client to the distorted thoughts in the first place.

Finally, both Beck and Ellis came up with what they saw as the rudiments of so-called Mature Thinking as compared to primitive thinking. They comprise a set of ways of thinking about yourself, the world, and the future, that lead to cognitive, emotional and behavioral success in life.

  • Primitive thinking is non-dimensional and global:  I am the living embodiment of failure
  • Mature thinking is multidimensional and specific: I make mistakes sometimes, but otherwise I can be clever at many things.
  • Primitive thinking is absolutist and moralistic: I am a sinner, and I will end up in hell.
  • Mature thinking is relativistic and non-judgmental: I sometimes let people down, but there is no reason I can’t make amends.
  • Primitive thinking is invariant: I am hopeless
  • Mature thinking is variable: There may be some way…
  • Primitive thinking resorts to “character diagnosis” and labeling: I am a coward
  • Mature thinking examines behaviors and engages in behavior diagnosis: I am behaving like a coward right now.
  • Primitive thinking is irreversible and sees things as immutable: There is simply nothing I can do about this.
  • Mature thinking is reversible, flexible and ameliorative: Let’s see what I can do to fix this…

Hopefully this piece has taught you something about cognitive distortions and how everyone – all of us – suffer them from time to time. The key is to try always to engage in mature thinking. Hard to do! And often it can take a lifetime! But I urge you to try!

© Dr. Joseph V Russo (2023), All Rights Reserved

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Ten Good Reasons to Carry a Paper Notebook

A Paper Notebook - Remember These?

A Paper Notebook – Remember These?

I am harping these days on the carrying of some sort of notebook with you at all times. I can tell you this: Every single one of the great leaders I have worked for, people for whom technology was a wonderful tool, have nevertheless carried a paper notebook. Most of them also adopted the iPad™ and Microsoft’s Surface™ tablet, but they simply never stopped carrying paper. Why? Why bother with paper when you can type into your tablet anything that could otherwise go onto paper? Why be so obviously backward when it seems that everyone around you is tapping away into technology?

Their ages may have had something to do with it. They were, by and large, much older than me and probably far less enamored of technology. But I suspect something more was afoot, and so I (your humble blogger) simply asked them: Why do it? What are YOUR reasons? And here are ten good reasons from several of my former superiors, in their own words:

  1. Taking notes, either on paper or by typing into a tablet, demonstrates a commitment to what is being said.

When my boss gave me an assignment, writing it down immediately showed great respect for what she was saying. The process of committing it to paper, to reducing the assignment to succinct notes, often resulted in a refinement of the assignment, and clarity is always an important thing. It also ensured that I understood precisely what she wanted of me, especially the timeframe for delivery. Taking notes demonstrated that I cared; that I took it seriously. Moreover, it started a written record of the task and hopefully its successful completion.

  1. Take notes when the idea strikes you, not later.

You never know when inspiration will strike! A note about an idea when it first arises gives that idea life. It allows you to work the idea, to form it, to tweak it. You can cross it out, mind-map it to an even greater idea, and give it a ledger. Even cocktail napkins taped into my notebook have served the purpose.

  1. Delegation of duties works best when it is known that an archive of action exists.

When there is an active archive of what was said and to whom an assignment was given, the resulting commitment is that much stronger. Asking a subordinate to confirm back to me their delegated task ran the risk that they would somehow embellish the task or get it altogether wrong. If I am writing it down – in front of them and they in front of me – the commitment is strengthened. There is no better place to put a timestamp on deliverables than in a notebook, a notebook that is with you always and everywhere.

  1. Your Busy Life All in One Place

The notebook is where I carry something about everything that is important to me. I carry information about many things, like insurance policies, roadside assistance contact numbers, active issues for which copies of recent correspondence could be useful, contact information or details, travel itineraries, an expense log, a major event index, and so on and so on. My organization’s mission statement, the tactics for which I am responsible, our strategic initiatives … anything that I want to be able to access quickly, or, for that matter, to constantly review and review again, is all in one place.

  1. Mission Statements (now that you mention it)

Organizational or personal mission statements are the brass ring if you will, that to which we aspire. It makes total sense to have them within reach at all times. Said one of my former bosses:

The mission statement and my company’s credo were selling tools and I cannot count the number of times that I whipped them out in a meeting to underscore a point about why doing business with my company made sense. They were useful props to be sure. I was proud of them.

  1. TooDue Lists

I call them TooDue™ lists and I have several, segregated by personal versus business versus charitable activities. I am not alone:

Despite what others may say, I have long preferred a written task list to a computer or tablet based or cloud-based listing, if for no other reason than the sheer joy of drawing big fat red lines through completed items. It just feels good. That said, cloud-based lists are good too. Take, for example, Todoist, a wonderful program.

  1. Journaling

Many of the men and women I have worked for have made it a nightly practice to journal about their experiences as a manager. They talk about the deals they have worked on, what went right and what not-so-right and made comments about the people with whom they came into contact. Said one,

A journal belongs in every notebook. I would strongly urge you, Joe, to keep a diary, a journal of observations about the day you’ve just enjoyed or endured and quick notes about what made it so. How might you have done the day differently? Who figured into the success of your day and why? Write, write, write.

  1. AccomJournal™

That’s my trademarked name for the part of my paper journal wherein I record my accomplishments. I got the idea after interviewing one of my bosses about a section in their daily planners wherein they recorded the positive achievements of their work.

It is a great place to log your achievements and to detail why those accomplishments actually mattered. Call it a CV Compendium – it makes resume writing infinitely easier. Do it in the moment and include the dollar impact, the organizational benefit, and the impetus for the work. Why did you do it?

  1. Calendars!

Our calendars, our schedules are now almost exclusively computer based. Indeed, one of the rules by which I live my life is the admonition that “Exchange® Governs, always.” In other words, to know where I must be at any given moment, I turn to Outlook and, by way of its links through our organization’s Exchange Server®, I determine what meeting I committed to and where. But think about this for a moment: What if the meeting doesn’t come off as scheduled? No one bothers to go back and un-invite everyone to the meeting. What if you don’t make it to that meeting on time? No one ever goes into their Exchange-based calendars to note that of the 90-minute meeting, they missed the first 30 minutes. Those kinds of notes can be critical! Said one of my bosses:

Yes, the electronic calendar is the metronome by which our lives tick-tock away. Meetings get scheduled and cancelled by way of Outlook and it is without question the calendar of record. But once the day is over, I like having my schedule as a page in my notebook. It is often covered with notes I have made about venue changes made at the last moment, about how so and so did not show up on time (or about how I did not show up on time), about how I might have scheduled the meeting differently, and so forth. I cannot tell you how many times that has come in handy when a lawyer asks me about a particular meeting. It is all about discovery. Never forget that.

  1. It is DIFFERENT.

Carrying a notebook is different. It is a throwback to an earlier time, long before computers and laptops and tablets. Here is what one executive had to say:

It’s a differentiator of the highest order! Nobody does it anymore [carry a notebook around]. Just like the handwritten letter or the handwritten thank you card, a paper-bound notebook is guaranteed to stand out. Having ready access to information by means that does not require an internet connection or this or that many bars of cellular service will make you even that much more indispensable as an employee!

There you have it. I carry a paper notebook; in my case, it is a three-ring binder. Can you think of a reason why I should not?

[This post was originally posted in 2013; updated in 2023.]

© 2023, Dr. Joseph V. Russo, All Rights Reserved

 

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